𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐈𝐓 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐍 . . . 𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐱 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐥𝐥

19. 𝙣𝙪𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜

19. nuances of meaning

season one, episode eight: tape 4, side b

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"Some girls know all the lyrics to each other's songs. They find harmonies in their laughter. Their linked elbows echo in tune. What if I can't hum on key? What if my melodies are the ones nobody hears?

It all started because I was feeling lost. I needed direction, any direction."

"I gotta go meet everyone before class, I'll see you later?" Alex told his girlfriend as the pair walked down the halls.

"Why can't I come?" Nessa asked, sad because she felt like all of her friends were treating her like broken glass. At this point, everyone knew that she had the tapes, and that she was listening to them along with Clay Jensen. She felt that she deserved to be there, it involved her too.

"Because, it's about the tapes." Alex explained. "Zach wants to keep you out of it all, to protect you."

"I don't need protection, I'm fine." Nessa declared. Alex agreed with her, he wanted to be able to talk about it all with her, and he felt that she deserved to be in the loop of everything.

Alex twinged, knowing that she was right. "I'm tired of feeling like a deer in the headlights around people I've known for years, Alex." Nessa continued on.

"Okay, come on." Alex finally gave in. "I can't say no to you."

"I know you can't." Nessa said sweetly, planting a kiss on his lips before following him into the gymnasium where Zach, Courtney, Justin and Jessica were sitting. Immediately upon her entrance, both Justin and Zach glared at Alex, pissed that he was bringing her in.

"Alex, what are you doing?" Zach asked wearily as he looked over at his sister.

"She knows enough, guys." Alex said. "I'm sick of hiding this shit from my girlfriend. She stays, or we both go."

Justin and Zach exchanged glances, and they knew that Alex made a point. Nessa was on the tapes, and she was just as much a part of this as they were. They also knew that they needed Alex on board with them, and that wouldn't happen without Nessa joining this dysfunctional group.

"Okay, fine." Zach gave in. "Sit down." Nessa took a seat right below Jessica on the bleachers as Alex stood next to her, waiting for someone to speak first.

"He's out of his fucking mind." Justin stated as he shook his head.

"Clay?" Nessa asked, and everyone nodded. Nessa recalled his outburst in the school hallways, where he had directly slutshamed her in front of everyone here.

"And the way he spoke about Nessa in front of everyone?" Justin added, anger growing hot in his voice as it raised. "I'm not fucking okay with that shit. Who the fuck does this kid think he is?"

"Yeah." Alex added. "Slut shaming my girlfriend in the middle of the school is the number one way to piss me the hell off."

Nessa stayed quiet. She was irritated too, beyond compare, but she also understood how hurt he was. It was a fine line for the girl right now.

"We played by Hannah's rules, minus getting Nessa the tapes early." Courtney stated. "It's not fair if the tapes get out because Clay went postal."

"He's not gonna go public." Zach said, unsure of himself.

"It feels like he might." Jessica replied.

"He's just sad, okay? Let him be." Alex defended the boy, but his last word was cut short by a painful groan, and he gripped his stomach as he winced in pain.

"Alex, are you getting your stomach things again?" Nessa asked, concerned for her boyfriend. "Go sit next to Jess."

"What stomach things?" Justin asked, irritated.

"He loved her, and she died." Alex continued about Clay, ignoring Nessa's demand for him to go sit, but he kept a hand on his side. "He's going crazy, just give him a second."

"He's not sad, okay." Courtney retorted. "He's getting revenge."

"It's not like we don't deserve it." Alex muttered before he gasped again, this time it looked more painful.

"Alex, seriously." Nessa said again, harsher this time. "Sit down."

Alex surrendered, taking a seat on the bleacher below Jess as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Nessa sat next to him and grabbed his hand to comfort him.

The door to the gymnasium creaked open, and everyone's heads snapped at once to reveal Marcus rushing into the room, much to everyone's annoyance.

"Dude, you're late." Zach stated, aggravated.

"I talked to Tony, he says he'll take care of it." Marcus offered to make up for his tardiness.

"What the hell does that mean?" Nessa questioned.

"Tony's a dick." Justin said.

"He's not a dick." Zach said harshly.

"He's a dick, he's a prick, and he's a cock." Justin spat back.

"Those are all the same fucking thing, Justin." Nessa piped up from below the boy.

"No, they're nuances of meaning." Justin said back.

"Right, yeah." Zach muttered, annoyed as he looked away from Justin.

"Look, Tony's not gonna do shit." Justin exclaimed, raising his voice, but still in a hushed tone.. "We have to take care of this and end that little bastard once and for all."

"That's insane." Jessica finally offered her opinion.

"I don't know." Justin said as he shook his head, deep in thought for a moment. The group of kids sat in silence, waiting for Justin's next crazy thought.

"What if we make it look like a suicide." Justin finally said, and Alex scoffed as the rest of the group rolled their eyes. Nobody could believe what was coming out of Justin's mouth.

"How tragic is that? I mean, two star-crossed lovers or some shit like that." Justin finished his thought.

"You're fucking batshit." Nessa said.

"Grow up, Justin." Zach added after his sister spoke.

"Are you really telling me to grow up, little Mama's boy?" Justin spat back at Zach.

"Leave him alone, Justin." Nessa demanded. "Maybe you're the prick, the dick, and the cock."

Alex stifled a laugh, and Jessica did too. Justin didn't even bother to acknowledge Nessa's creative little comment.

"Yeah, I am." Zach replied. Alex grunted again, and Nessa turned to see him folding over in pain. She grabbed his shoulder, and Jessica looked down at him, concerned.

"Dude, go see a fucking doctor!" Justin snapped at Alex.

"I've seen like a dozen doctors, dude." Alex groaned, and another awkward silence washed over the group. Nothing used to ever be this complicated, and Nessa missed the days when it wasn't like this.

"One thing." Zach spoke up. "If one thing had gone differently somewhere along the line, maybe none of this would have happened."

Nessa had thought that same thing so many times, before and after she received the tapes. If one thing had gone different, if one person would have helped Hannah, maybe she would still be there and maybe life wouldn't be this fucking complicated. It was something that she carried with her everyday, knowing that she could have been the difference in Hannah's life, her own, and all of her friends'.

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐬!

i started working on the sequel to this book and i'm excited already HEHE