Taylor had noticed her anxiety had increased but she hadn't realised how quickly she had spiralled down. She had always liked things in a certain way but it had never really bothered her too much if her house was a bit messy or things weren't just so. She saw it as a sign of life. Now though, everything seemed to set her anxiety on edge.
She double guessed herself continually and checked what she was doing over and over to calm the nagging voices in her head.
The self doubt and loathing was creeping up, convincing her that she was lazy and useless. That one day her actions would cause harm to those around her.
Taylor knew it wasn't normal to feel like this – but she didn't quite know how she felt. Overwhelmed, tired, frustrated – but also a bit embarrassed. Like she knew her behaviour wasn't really normal, that those around her wouldn't 'get it' and she began to hide her feelings and behaviours to try and cover up her true mental state. She continued to fool everyone around her, they all assumed she was the same outgoing, bubbly Taylor they all knew – but they didn't know the full extent of her struggles underneath.
Andrea spoke to Taylor on FaceTime on Thursday, Taylor was nipping round the house, doing her usual cleaning routine – making sure everything was exactly where it should be.
Taylor set her phone down "one second Mum – I just need to clean this side"
Andrea frowned "Tay, you've already done the countertop"
Taylor nodded, keeping her tone light "I know – I just wanted to do it with antibacterial now"
Andrea hummed as she watched her daughter's furrowed brow as she scrubbed the side once again.
As soon as she was done, Taylor picked up her phone "see, all done! I'm going to take you upstairs with me – I need to get changed quickly." The blonde bolted up the stairs, heading to her bedroom.
She flicked the light on and off 5 times quickly – an unconscious habit she didn't even know she was doing. Andrea frowned again "what did you do that for?"
Taylor glanced at the screen "What?"
Andrea sighed "turning the lights on and off – it was like a disco"
Taylor laughed loudly but guilt crept up as she realised she had been caught "I didn't even know what I was doing – I am so tired my brain isn't working properly clearly!"
Andrea laughed lightly and although she didn't believe her, she decided not to comment on it at this time.
The conversation wrapped up as Taylor yawned loudly "I really need to get into bed now, I'm exhausted!"
Andrea wished her goodnight then hung up but the worry in the pit of her stomach grew. She knew she might have been paranoid but something was just off with Taylor so she fired off a quick message to Tree 'spoke to Tay tonight. She seems anxious and a bit vacant. I know you're with her tomorrow, any chance you could keep and eye on it and let me know if I need to worry?'
Within a few seconds there was a response 'anxious how? Food, fatigue or general fearfulness?'
Andrea sighed 'just off – a bit obsessive almost? Probably nothing but see what you think'
The next morning Taylor got up, groaning as the sunlight hit her face. She had a morning of interviews ahead of her. Although they were always long and repetitive she usually didn't mind them, today though she had a gut feeling something was going to go wrong and the dread in her stomach grew as she forced herself up.
Sometimes she got like this – in her own head but she was always able to be rational whereas today she couldn't and she found herself getting more tearful.
