Drive fast, Crash slow

2. Dear Jules

Song: Be Alright by Dean Lewis

"I mean, I'm already on anti-depressants" I say to my therapist, I like her more than the other ones, the other ones were rude so I told them 'they should go fuck themselves and worry about there crooked nose and big ass eyebrows or I whould shove a fork up their asses' but the this therapist, her name is Leah, she is young and understand me and my attitude "don't worry I'll speak with you mum about the dosage, so how's it going" she asks sipping on a cup if coffee "I don't know" I reply honestly "the whole thing with Lauren is freaking me out, I already lost 2 of the most important people in my life and now her to" I say crawling up on the sofa to get comfortable, thinking about the nearest exit incase of and emergency
"And who are those important people? " she asks looking me in the eye, I quickly turn my head sideways not to look at her as I feel the tears in my eyes forming "You don't have to awnser Sarah, this is a safe place" I look at her and back to the window
(This might be triggering so if you deal with panic attacks you might want to skip) I shake my head trying to get the thought out of my head, I was thinking about Jules' crash, I was there that day and I never stepped in the paddock again. I bring my knees to my chest and burry my head into my knees, I can't breath I try but I can't, I start shaking and I feel like I'm going to pass out, I try to calm down but I can't, I feel like I'm going to die, all the thoughts are rushing into my head and-and "Sadie listen to me, look at me in the eyes follow my breathing" she says camly taking my hands into her, I try to look at her but I cant, I try to breathe but I can't "A-Ar-Arthur" I manage to get out looking at the door "you want Arthur?" she asks trying to understand, I nod my head rapidly trying to breathe, Arthur always helped me with panic attacks, he's the only one that knows I get them. I see him running in and he immediately puts his arms around me. I close my eyes, my head on his chest I follow his breathing and after 5 minutes I calm down "Sorry Leah but I think we should go" he says helping me up from the couch "of course Ill see you at the next session Sadie" she says looking at me worried, I give her a glare knowing this is her fault but not only hers.

I get into the car and see Charles and Pierre in the car ,confused I greet them and get into the passager seat next to Arthur with Charles and Pierre in the back. I don't say anything and just stare down at my fingers. They are all concerend about me and I can feel there eyes on me. "What?" I ask them confused
"Nothing" Pierre said, he's always been a little scared if me.
The rest if the car ride was silent I went back to my room and sat there looking outside my window. I know I need help but I don't if it will work, I decide that in going to sneak out and go to the cemetery. I've never been there, I wanted to visit Jules, I haven't seen him in 9 years and I still won't see him, I can't get over the fact that his gone, forever. My relationship with my father wasn't the best, but that didn't matter because he's not with us anymore. I sat down beside his grave looking at the Ferrari cap and the pictures that are there.
"That's a nice picture right?" I look up and see a tall man with a bright smile and an Australian accent

He sat down next to me. I look at him like his gonna hurt me and he notices
"Do I know you, you look very familiar" he says confused look at me
"Maybe, maybe not I gotta go see ya" I say standing up and wiping a tear of my face. "Wait I didn't catch your name" he says in a scream "Because it's impossible to catch a name, you either remember it or not, it isn't something you can catch in your hands" I say walking staring and looking back and gave the man a wink.
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Charles pov
"I'm worried about her Arthur" I said grabbing a bag of chips and sat down on the couch. "Me to, you should've seen how she looked when I got to her" Arthur replied sitting down next to me "What happend?" I ask curious
"She had a really bad panic attack, she looked like she was almost gonna pass out" he replied, I didn't know she had panic attacks, I mean I also had them but mine wasn't THAT bad. "I mean it's been 9 years Charles, she still can't get pass it" he says eating some of MY chips. "Are you sure it's 𝐽𝑢𝑙𝑒𝑠 and not something else bothering her?" I reply snatching my chips back. "What else could it be, it's definitely not dad" he says looking at the coke in his hands
"Mhm" I reply.
'Shit' we both here coming from Sarah's room, we both look at each other and jump up running towards her room
---------------------------------------------------
I climbed the tree that leaded towards my rooms window and then I heard Charles and Arthur talking, of course about me because I'm amaizing. I eavesdrop and the I remember something.
TRIGGER WARNING
3 years ago, I was 11. Coming home from Laurens house, I discovered a short cut wich I took that led to my house, it was already dark and I had to go through an Alley way. I was walking when I felt two hands around my body. One holding my waist and one covering my mouth. I was forced into a room. The guy had a face mask on and sunglasses. He forced me to take to pills, I believe it was a drug that made me passed out and a morning after pill. The next thing I remember was waking up outside of a store with pain in my inner thighs and lower abdomen.

I snapped out of my thoughts and when to climb through my window where I fell through, it looked cool tho and I felt like I was doing Parkour until my head hit the floor "Shit" I said loudly laying on the floor. I look up and see my 2 brothers looking at me confused and I toss them a smile
"What are you doing" Arthur asked almost laughing "You know, the floor looked comfy so I thought I might test it out... " I say Rolling around on my floor. The two boys laughed and helped me up, not that I needed it tho..

"Sades we need to talk" Charles said. I raised my eyebrows looked at Arthur and back to Charles. "About what".. I say sitting down on my bed