bittersuite | b.e

4

gp*(they are both girls, i should've added this in the beginning)

billie o'connell
1:39 am

when dad left all of my feelings narrowly turned into this bubble that i couldn't quite pop. i never felt the feeling or illustrated it and it felt like hell if i even tried.

but i'm not one to use the excuse, nor bring it up.
cause it sounds corny, dad left, angry teen girl, it's not the narration i want to ruin my life.

the toothbrush modeled between my mouth as i ambled down the hall back to my bathroom. i was grabbing my phone from the room. my t-shirt was loose around my body and i held my sweatpants up as they were falling. my hair was up in a sloppy bun that could barely stay on my head.

i believe my trauma added to my sexy fashion sense. it had to, because girls couldn't resist it even when i wanted to resist the girls themselves. i skimmed over the hickey that was on my collarbone feeling every ounce of disturbance. i'm not claimed by anybody, i don't want to be claimed.

at least right now.

i can't see myself being sunken and lovable in a relationship even if the dearest girl was to come across me. i feel like a ticking time bomb ready to blow at any moment and the fact i could merely hurt someone with my words didn't feel right at all. i didn't deserve anything.

i pondered about it tonight, all that i could remember at least. having so many girls on you for concentration is not as nice as it seems cause they try to take so much advantage of you just for breathing, and yes i am attractive but there is more to me.

there is more to everyone. like my mom but my fuck-ass dad would never be able to see that.

i spit out the remaining toothpaste and rinsed my mouth, staring at myself in the negligibly dirty mirror. i looked hugely tired, red bags under my eyes and tiny amounts of mascara. i couldn't care to clean it right now, i just want to sleep.

i made it back to my bedroom, shutting the door hearing a door shut after mine. i couldn't even tell you who was up this late other than me. i could hear finneas snoring from the wall next to me.

it's enough to cause your ears to bleed.
im surprised mine haven't already
deafening ass pig

i went limp in my bed under the red lights, grabbing an anime girl pillow and holding it under me. the sound of my alarm clock ticking was practically as soothing as an asmr video.

my reflectings ran a million times per second as i tried my best to fall asleep. i let my emotions get so ahead of me at night that's the only reason i keep smoking myself to death. it helps me regulate, to not feel and move on from things.

having more people in the house was a distraction. besides for adri

adri was a be with her or be her situation. she is always full of light and cheer and has nothing but a positive outlook on everything she does. being self-conscious at times is completely overbalanced by her gameness to try new things. there were times i wish i was like her, not afraid to try and be who i am and be myself around people not even thinking of my actions.

part of me believes it's because how we treated her growing up, letting her do how she pleases because we never judged her.

but i've always felt this harmony to her because my soul felt so wrecked around her. i had this pulling feeling whenever she was near. i always had to look her way, feel her direction. when she told me she daydreamed of me it could have meant anything.