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PRELUDE. / I hope death is kind to me
Warning: Blood, near death experience, trauma, mentions of vomiting, neglectful behavior from a parent, death of a family member.
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MatthewWinchester knows he'll die eventually.
The first time he becomes aware of that fact he's only a child. He doesn't have many friends and the ones he does have don't seem to like him very much. It's okay. He tries to convince himself he doesn't want one. He has his brothers and that's all he needs. They'll be there even when no one else wants to.
His teacher gets annoyed easily. He spaces out and laughs a lot and his grades are not good. She gives him detention more than once for undone homework instead of listening when he tells her it's hard for him to read because the words become blurry when he tries to focus. He asks the girl beside him for help. For the first time someone gives him a smile and it leaves him happy for the rest of the day. He doesn't talk much. When he does, it's because they call for him to answer one of the questions in the board and the boys behind him laugh so loudly it makes him feel nauseous. So he can't say a word.
Still, he looks at the clock in front of him and sighs. There is no reason for him to think about forgiveness. He has done nothing wrong. There is no reason for him to think about death. It has never made him frightened.
In the five minutes he has left, he thinks about fire. His father yelling. His hand shakes and he trembles in his seat. The bell rings. Everything is over. Childhood days are like this and he does not remember one to this day that didn't end up with one of them crying. He's forgotten how his life before pain was a long time ago but never how it felt. Hate and fear stick to him like a second skin. It's a feeling stronger than memory.
He doesn't think about the idea of death until he comes home. There is no one there. Sam is at school and Dean is nowhere to be seen. His father left a week ago and still hasn't come back. He collapses in the couch of the motel and remembers the smile the girl gave him and his teacher's screams and his classmate's laughs. The lawn is so green it hurts his eyes when he looks through the window and the noise coming from the small tv feels comforting.
