I Just Want to Be With My Wife

Destiny Hears Something She Shouldn't, and Mario Gets Lucky. This Time.

Destiny's in her room when she hears her parents arguing.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"She's our daughter! She has a right to know!"

"She's not in this line of work, she won't get it."

"She's smarter than you think. Just tell her!"

"No! She wants her own life away from it, so damn you, let her!"

"I didn't tell her, okay?"

"Did you or did you not call her? You're lucky I stopped you."

"Yes, you did. And then I lied for you."

Destiny gets up slowly and opens the door just a crack, the voices getting louder.

"You call that lying?"

"She thinks we had no milk, and that I'm histrionic!"

"You are!"

"She should weigh in on this."

"Fuck no! This is my company. I'm the man of the house."

"Fine."

"Got it?"

"Yes, okay? I said fine."

Destiny sighs, then closes her bedroom door.

Mario, Wario, and Waluigi are laughing it up at Wario's dinner table.

"You seriously got shrunk just riding a motorcycle?" Mario asks through his laughs.

"Not just that. I turned into a bunch of mini Warios, and we all collectively went hopping through a strawberry field. It was the weirdest thing I've ever done in my life."

Just then, Wario's wife comes to the table.

"Mona, I can't lie. You're an even better cook than my mom." Mario makes the sign of the cross. "If she ever finds out I said that, she'll kill me. This parmigiana di melanzane is fucking incredible."

"I marry a girl that delivers pizzas, and turns out she's an amazing cook too!" Wario laughs.

"So, Mario." Waluigi pipes up suddenly. "I've been talking to Wario, and if you want, we can look for your coworker. Or should I say, 'look for him'."

"Aw thanks." Mario gushes. "But honestly? Nobody cares. Thanks for the offer. Appreciate that."

He takes a bite of something else, then moans. "Fuck, forget the parmigiana di melanzane, this is my new favorite."

"We haven't even gotten to dessert." Wario tells him.

"I've just decided." Mario says. "If I'm gonna get kidnapped, they gotta wine and dine me first."

"Glad we could be of service." Wario says.

"Fuck, it's so delicious." Mario moans again, then takes another bite.

"That was no kiddie throw." Waluigi says, watching Mario's rock land in the ocean.

"My turn!" Wario picks up a walk, then tosses it.

"Fuck, always further." Mario says, shaking his head. "How do you always get further?"

"Beat up a pitcher for the Diamond City All Stars team." Wario explains.

"What does that have to do with your abilities?" Mario says sarcastically.

"Taught me everything he knows. Before I ended his career." Wario grins.

"My turn." Waluigi says, throwing a rock. When it doesn't go nearly as far, he excuses, "Stupid wind."

"There's no wind, dumbass." Mario argues. "Unless you count the wind you just broke."

"Pay up, I went the furthest." Wario holds out a hand.

"No coins, sorry." Mario shrugs. "Whaddaya gonna do, kill me?"

Wario and Waluigi laugh, so Mario takes a risk, "Speaking of which, it's getting dark."

"You're right. We'll take you home." Waluigi agrees, but just as they start walking off the beach, he stops.

"Hang on. We gotta talk business." he tells Mario. "You got lucky tonight, Mario. You're a Brooklynite, we like you, and so does Wario's wife. We're gonna lie and say you disappeared."

"Thanks, Waluigi." Mario smiles gratefully.

"But this doesn't stop with us." Wario warns. "Next time it's not gonna be us. It'll be someone who doesn't care if you're a kid or not, they will beat you to a pulp."

"Got it." Mario nods solemnly.

"You need to figure out how to solve this before it gets to that point. Got it?" Waluigi says.

Mario nods.

"Now let's go. Mona made you a bag of leftovers." Wario says, and so they resume walking away from the beach.