letters to the stars

one 🗝️

★

The pain caused all by pressure wakes me up again, there's no end to the tightness. I'm always woken up by the everlasting symptoms of my condition, it's unfair since they all claim that you get used to the feeling of constant suffering but I don't believe that statement anymore. Why has the pain not ended for me yet? They all lie just to make it seem better than it actually is, I don't like to trust anyone. I blink open my tired eyes. The blinding sunshine immediately shoots through my eyes but I don't react, the sunshine doesn't excite me anymore making me realise that nothing really excites me at all. I remember that last night I made sure to shut the blinds before I went to rest, they're now open which only means one thing. Changbin is here. He's only here to take care of me, he basically just makes sure I'm alive everyday since I apparently can't do simple tasks.

"Wake up sleepy head."

Of course that familiar voice practically scratches my brain, it's something about the soft way he chooses to speak with. I don't see why he takes so much pride in being my carer, it makes both me and him feel old.. Yikes I'm twenty-one years old and already need a carer to watch over me, nice one Hyunjin.

"How was your sleep?"

I force my heavy head to flop over to his direction, he's making sure my bedroom looks neat which doesn't surprise me since he does it almost every morning. I can't be bothered to clean it anymore, I'll be gone soon enough. Changbin seems to wipe off some decaying dust off the stack of books I have piled up on my desk, I can clearly see he wants to try encourage me to read them. He hesitates to pass them to me but then gives up and places them back onto the desk leaving them to internally rot, he knows I only take pride in my art and you can clearly tell from all the supplies and paintings covering my dull room. He turns back towards me catching me staring at him in a daze, yet again I don't respond to his actions I just stare with no shame.

"Not talking today? Alright then, I'll just make you some breakfast!"

He sighs. I then realise that I completely blanked his question it just passed through my head like nothing, I feel guilty about it. I hesitate to speak forcing a lump in my throat to form.

"Normal—"

I practically cough out the singular word then close my eyes in shame and embarrassment, why? I seriously couldn't say something more casual, instead I say 'normal'.. Honestly, who describes their sleep as normal? Changbin smirks while letting out a slight sigh in a relaxed way. I feel relieved that he didn't find it strange and I feel even better when he walks off into the kitchen. I don't really want food but I can't deny Changbin's food, it seems rude to me and plus his cooking is really delicious. I find it hard to stomach most foods other than soup and sometimes yogurt it all just ends up coming up, but Changbin practically forces me to eat anything. I find it weird since I'm not sure if declining appetite is a symptom of my condition.

"Why is your fridge so sadly empty??"

Changbin yells which rings through my ears, he's a funny person who is energetic at almost all times so I find it hard to keep up with him. His words make me quickly realise that I haven't gone shopping in a week now so there's gonna be nothing in my kitchen, when I did go shopping I didn't get a lot since I didn't see the point and I still don't. I hear the fridge door slam shut in a polite manner, I can also hear Changbin's almost non-existent footsteps approaching my bedside.

"Uh I hope almost expired peach yogurt is fine.. Your fridge is so depressingly empty that it scares me."

He has kindly dumped the oddly smelling yogurt into a bowl for me, honestly I don't understand why it smells so interesting.. I remember buying it at the supermarket market not long ago, I can't put my finger on how long but it wasn't that much time. It's not a terrible sour smell but it's strangely sweet like overpowering sort of, it's definitely edible just maybe not that appealing especially to someone like me who has a weak stomach. I'll have to eat it so I'll just have to block out the stench.

"I'll get food another day, when I actually feel like moving."

Changbin places the intriguing yogurt onto my bedside table then sits on the side of my bed patiently waiting for me to take at least a singular spoon full of the yogurt. His perfectly straight hair which is always neat just covers his face in such a nice way, he's handsome someone who other men would envy. He's strong and muscular which immediately intrigues people, meanwhile I'm also handsome but sick. The sickness grosses people out, they don't wanna deal with the heart ache I bring. Seo Changbin is the only person I have and we're not even close, he's my carer and what I'd say is a friend, nothing else nothing more.

"You know I saw something I think you'd be interested in, something that reminded me of you when I saw it.."

He lets out an airless giggle directing his gaze off of me and into the scenery outside my foggy window.

"You need someone to talk to, something to keep you occupied. You need to promise me you'll listen to me and even give this a try?"

I shut my eyes making sure he knows that I will actually listen for once, I'll take his advice for once since the numbness is easily going to kill me before my illness does.

"I promise."

My stomach turns oddly.

"It's called 'The star project' and it's where people who feel lonely or just have general problems in their life write letters to a random person who is also struggling. It's like a pen pal but for people who need help."

Changbin clearly doesn't want to seem like he's trying to imply that I'm depressed or anything it's just that I'm sick and when you're sick it's different, you face the worst feelings and you need someone to speak to. At the end of the day the person I am now is definitely not me, somehow I've turned numbness and negativity into a personality trait of mine which I despise. Changbin sighs a disappointed sigh then pulls out a slip of paper from his pocket, I quietly observe him.

"Take a look."

He places the folded up paper next to the dull bowl of yogurt expecting me to pick it up and read it, I just lay there with my eyes still shut. I don't find the motivation to move right now which is a common theme I am left to face. I furrow my eyebrows in a response to the sudden wave of pain my heart has created, it's only a matter of time until that pain travels through my entire body. It's almost as if there's somebody torturing me by grasping at my heart and I can't force them to stop I just have to deal with it. Changbin seems to realise that there's something wrong with me I can tell by the feeling of him shuffling closer to my still body.

"You alright?"

I don't reply, instead I just furrow my eyebrows tighter and scrunch my nose up. 'You get used to it,' yeah sure you do, don't lie to ill people who lay in bed all day regretting everything they've done in their life.

"You have a doctor's appointment today, I can't come though."

I pull the messy duvet up and over my face dreading the day to come. More needles and tests there to torture me, more sore marks left on my body to remind me of all the tests I have to face to make sure my heart won't fail in the next few seconds. I finally decide to open my eyes. I take a deep breath realising that the topic my mind is setting on makes me emotional, tears swell up in my eyes but I can't let them out. No one can know how scared and petrified I am to see the end.

"I'd really like you to try that project out, you need something other than art to occupy you. Anyways you should eat that yogurt then start getting ready, I'll be in the kitchen."

Before Changbin walks out he shoots me a look of pity, it's a look I can only take from him since if anybody else did it to me I'd feel weird. It's the look of, 'you're so young and you're dying, oh well I can't do anything,' except when Changbin gives into his thoughts to give me that expression I know he means well, he actually does feel sorry for me. I gently pull down the duvet from over my head which practically uses up half of my energy, I turn my heavy head over to the untouched bowl of yogurt but I don't even dare to touch it. I feel sick by the smell and the way it looks, I sigh with annoyance while rubbing my half asleep eyes.

My life is so miserable.

— .˚✧₊⁎★ . —