𝗚𝗥𝗔𝗖𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗧𝗢𝗢 - 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘃𝗲𝗹

𝟭𝟯: 𝗖𝗛𝗥𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗠𝗔𝗦 𝗗𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗦

AEI: welcome to age of ultron!! i didn't originally intend on writing this movie but i felt it was important for gracie and it's a pretty big thing to miss out on. so!! enjoy!!

Because I am nine years old now, and nine is actually pretty old if you think about it, I know a whole bunch of things. My brain is full of them. Whenever it feels like I'm going to spill over the edge, like trying to fit the ocean into a bathtub, I write them down. All my little facts and the things I notice, and then the stuff I know about the people around me. My notebook is almost finished.

My most important list is on the very last page, so no one sees. It's the biggest secret I've ever, ever kept, even bigger than when I broke Mr Fury's mug 'cause I was trying to play in his office and I let him blame one of the agents-in-training instead.

The list at the back of my book is all the things I'm not supposed to know, but I do anyway. I try not to reread it, 'cause it makes me feel all squiggly and bad inside, but sometimes I just can't help it.

There are eight things on my Bad list.

1. Something very bad happened to Nat when she was small, and it makes her very, very, very angry. When she has to talk about it, she throws things. Clint calls them her 'episodes', and I am Not Allowed to be in the house when she is having them.

2. Bucky has done awful things. Everyone thinks it's his fault, except for my dad and maybe Sam. And me. I think Nat knows I'm right, but she doesn't want to believe me, 'cause it reminds her of the bad stuff from when she was little.

3. There's a connection between the bad stuff that happened to Nat and the bad stuff that's happening to Bucky. I am almost nearly 200% sure.

4. Maria is in love with Nat, but Nat is being weird about it, and it's making Maria really sad. She doesn't do normal sad, just serious sad, but I can still tell. I think she loves Nat more than anything in the whole universe.

5. My dad and Nat are fighting 'cause my dad wants me to live with him sometimes, and Nat says absolutely not.

6. Mr Stark and Mr Banner are working on a BIG project that no one else knows about, and if they found out that I was listening to their conversation, they would be very cross.

7. Miss Carter is getting worse. That's why Nat doesn't take me to see her anymore. She doesn't recognise anyone.

8. I think the angriness that Nat has is inside of me too, and I don't know how to make it go away. I get so angry sometimes that it feels like I'm on fire. I don't know if people are still gonna want me if I can't figure out how to stop it.

My list just makes me sad, so mostly, I try to avoid it. I just look at all the other, more fun stuff in my notebook like the drawings my dad did for me, and the ticket from when Miss Carter took me to see the ballet when I was six. They're stuck in all neat with this special sparkly tape that Clint's wife, Laura, got me for my birthday. I only use it for super important stuff, though, 'cause I don't know where she got it from and I'm really scared of running out.

Recently, I got a whole brand new notebook, and it's not even for my lists.

According to my dad, who is awesome at maths, it's been eight months and seven-ish days since we last saw Bucky. You could almost grow a whole baby in that time. They have people looking for him – I think that's what Sam does – but for the moment, he is just Gone. So, to stop myself being sad and angry all the time, I've been writing letters to Bucky.