𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃 (billie eilish)

𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙿𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚂𝙸𝚇

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚎 𝚆𝚎𝚜𝚝 — 𝙿𝙾𝚅

***

My heart was racing, and my feet ached from the long walk home—but I needed it to process everything that had just happened.

When I finally got home, all the clarity I'd gained on the way vanished instantly. It felt like the air was being sucked out of me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but think about one thing: how to numb this feeling.

"Oh my god, Charlie... where the fuck have you been? I've called you a thousand times." Carmen's voice came through rough and muffled, so it took me a moment to catch the anger in her tone.

I walked right past her, eyes fixed ahead, and went straight to my room without looking back. I just wanted to be alone. "Not now, please," My voice barely above a whisper, firm yet fragile, with a hint of desperation. Despite that, it was like I hadn't said anything at all.

"Just leave," I repeated as I knelt to search for the box with the weed under my bed. I tossed aside the unnecessary stuff to get to it. I didn't even bother to roll a joint. I just packed some weed into the pipe, grabbed the lighter, and lit it up. My lungs filled quickly with the smoke of oblivion. My mind drifted, and my body relaxed.

Carmen's voice echoed in the room, yet her words were lost on me. I took another hit, and then another before she took the pipe away. Her face was filled with concern, something unusual for her. Still, her words couldn't reach me.

"FUCK, CARMEN! Could you leave me the fuck alone? Please!" The words spilled out like vomit, making me feel instantly sick. She stormed out, slamming the door. I could almost see the fumes of her anger trailing behind her.

My eyes wandered to random things: the intricate rug I bought secondhand, the bedspread my mom gave me for Christmas—anything to avoid thinking about those intense blue eyes.

I couldn't tell if it had been minutes or hours, but my head was still spinning. I closed my eyes tightly as a bright light dazzled me. "That's it. You can't keep doing this shit to yourself," Carmen's voice cut through the haze. I blinked a few times as the world slowly came back into focus. The room still reeked of weed. I met Carmen's gaze, seeing the plea in her eyes, begging me to listen.

"What the fuck is wrong, Charlie? I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore." She exclaimed, a mix of frustration and genuine worry on her face as I leaned back against my bed, the remnants of my high still lingering. 

"I don't need a lecture right now... I need... I just need some time to think."  I mumbled, my words heavy with emotion.

She sighed, her frustration softening for a moment. "Do you wanna know what you really need? You need to face what's happening, Charlie. Running away, getting high every time things get tough—you think it's magic. But it's not. It's just a way to delay the inevitable."

I threw my head back, tired of everything. Staring at the blinding light on the ceiling, I wished I had all the answers. "I've screwed up too much already." My body felt tired, not just my mind.

"So that's it?" She didn't wait for an answer. "I want you to know that I support your choices, whatever they may be. If you need to take a step back or even give up, that's okay. However, I won't stand by and watch you self-destruct." She positioned herself right in front of me, her gaze seeking mine. I managed to avoid it at all costs.