𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃 (billie eilish)

𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙿𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚂𝙸𝚇 (𝒏𝒆𝒘)

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚎 𝚆𝚎𝚜𝚝 — 𝙿𝙾𝚅

My heart was pounding, and my feet were killing me from the long walk home. I needed that walk to wrap my head around what had just happened.

When I finally got home, all the clarity I'd gained on the way vanished instantly. It felt like the air was being sucked out of me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but think about one thing: how to numb this feeling.

"Oh my god, Charlie... where the fuck have you been? I've called you a thousand times." Carmen's voice came through rough and muffled, so it took me a moment to catch the anger in her tone.

I walked past her and headed straight to my room, not glancing at her again. I needed to be alone. "Not now, please," My voice barely above a whisper, firm yet fragile, with a hint of desperation. Despite that, it was like I hadn't said anything at all.

"Just leave" I repeated as I knelt to search for my emergency box. Who was I kidding, though? It was never really for emergencies. Lately, I'd been using it every time life got tough, which felt like every single day. 

I tossed aside the unnecessary stuff to get to it. I didn't even bother to roll a joint. I just packed some weed into the pipe, grabbed the lighter, and lit it up. My lungs filled quickly with the smoke of oblivion. My mind drifted, and my body relaxed. 

Carmen's voice echoed in the room, but her words were lost on me. I took another hit, and then another before she took the pipe away. Her face was filled with concern, something unusual for her. Still, her words couldn't reach me.

"FUCK, CARMEN! Could you leave me alone?" The words spilled out like vomit, making me feel instantly sick. She stormed out, slamming the door. I could almost see the fumes of her anger trailing behind her.

I don't know if it had been minutes or hours, but my head was still spinning. My eyes wandered to random things: the intricate rug I bought secondhand, the bedspread my mom gave me for Christmas—anything to avoid thinking about those intense blue eyes.

I closed my eyes tightly as a bright light dazzled me. "That's it. You can't keep doing this shit to yourself," Carmen's voice cut through the haze. I blinked a few times as the world slowly came back into focus. The room still reeked of weed. I met Carmen's gaze, seeing the plea in her eyes, begging me to listen.

"What the fuck is wrong, Charlie? I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore," she exclaimed, a mix of frustration and genuine worry on her face as I leaned back against my bed, the remnants of my high still lingering. 

"I don't need a lecture right now... I need... I just need time to think " I mumbled, my words heavy with emotion.

She sighed, her frustration softening for a moment. "You need to face what's happening, Chay. Running away, getting high every time things get tough—you think it's magic. But it's not. It's just a way to delay the inevitable." 

I threw my head back, tired of everything. Staring at the blinding light on the ceiling, I wished I had all the answers. "I feel like I can't even try to fix things. I've screwed up too much already." My body felt tired, not just my mind.

"So that's it? That's the solution?" She didn't wait for an answer. "I want you to know that I support your choices, whatever they may be. If you need to take a step back or even give up, that's okay. However, I won't stand by and watch you self-destruct." She positioned herself right in front of me, her gaze seeking mine. I managed to avoid it at all costs.