Classroom of The Elite x AOT: Wax Wings

Vol 6.9 - And Judas Remains

For your information, I do sleep at regular 8-hour intervals and eat at least 3 meals a day but sometimes I mix lunch and dinner.

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I've often wondered about my place in this world.

Not in any philosophical sense—no, those thoughts are too unproductive. I'm talking about my place as defined by the people who've impacted me, and who shaped the direction I should take.

Before this, in that world, my home, I couldn't identify my purpose; it was like I was a tool waiting for the right command, moving through life as I was instructed, nothing more.

But here...here it feels different, almost decided.

There's an expectation I carry out their will—Horikita Manabu's vision for me, and, reluctantly, my father's intentions, no matter how much I'd like to ignore it.

I'll never be able to ignore it.

Every step I take, every decision I make—it's all done in service to them, as twisted as it might seem.

Or maybe, it's more accurate to say that it's done in service of their expectations.

But then again...what am I doing here, really?

Since arriving in this world, I haven't felt like myself.

I've regressed, physically, back to my fourteen-year-old self, back to when my instincts were sharper, rawer—more aligned to self-preservation. And even though I've aged, I still cannot shake this raw feeling...

My body almost reverted to a base state, but my mind... the mind I have doesn't quite align with itself anymore.

It's left me...imbalanced.

The part of me that has always dreamed of order and control now has to contend with a body that demands survival above all else.

A paradox.

A contradiction that I'm still struggling to make sense of.

My mind contradicts itself more than it usually does.

It's like I lost myself.

This whole situation... it's strange, unnatural.

Why me?

Why was I pulled into this world, forced back to a version of myself I thought I'd left behind? Thought I would change from?

I feel like... a snake eating its own tail.

It's as though someone somewhere had a plan for me, a plan that they decided I was uniquely suited to fulfill. Someone out there—someone with more power, more influence, someone able to mould reality itself—placed me here.

I'm left to assume it's all for a reason, that my strengths and my abilities are being leveraged by some higher power for their own purpose.

There's no other explanation, is there?

I call this power "God."

A force with expectations, with plans.

It doesn't feel as if I'm allowed the freedom to shape my own path anymore; I'm simply a piece on a board, playing out a preordained script.

My mind fights it, I fight it, but there's this mind-numbing sensation that won't go away. Sometimes I think things I don't want to think, say things I don't want to say... A sensation that insists, softly, that it's all meaningless.