Why are you ignoring it?

Barriers

Where are they?
Why isn't anyone coming?
Why can't anyone hear my screams?
I've tried and tried..
Believe me, I have.
Nothing seems to work.
I lay on the cold ground in this dark room, curled up in a ball, holding my knees close to my chest, crying, and my throat scratchy and sore from screaming.
When is someone gonna take me out?
I've been here for years..
It's so dark in here.
I haven't felt a warm embrace in so long.
I lay there for a little while - as if it hasn't been "a little while" for what seems like years - letting my thoughts run in my head, like I do all the time. Something in the back of my head likes to call these walls "barriers" or "protection".. it comforts me - nothing can hurt me.. no.. nothing ever comes..

I'm finally drifting asleep.
Then suddenly, my eyes shoot open. Nothing has changed in this dark room, but the feeling has definitely changed. Someone is watching me.

I sit up from being curled in a ball for hours or even days, my eyes tear-stained. I look around the room. Then, out of the floor, ominous blacksmoke- or maybe a shadow - starts to form. My eyes widen, and my heart rate picks up. I crawl back, scared, until my back hits the wall. The black smoke fills up half of the floor in front of me. I close my eyes, thinking I'm hallucinating.. this isn't the first time.
I probably am hallucinating - I've never seen smoke, just appear out of nowhere. I convince myself that it's in my head, and they - whatever it is - should be my friend.. I tell myself to be glad something else, or someone, is here, different than these cold, dark walls.

I open my eyes again. My heart skips a beat, and my eyes widen. The self-comfort disappears. There is no more smoke.. but a black figure standing in the middle of the room. They - or it - take the form of a silhouette person, all pitch black and no special features. I find myself getting light-headed.
"Your forgetting to breathe," the black figure speaks, a distorted voice of a young adult female. As soon as it, or she, talks, I take in a deep breath, disrupting the silence.. suddenly, i'm not lightheaded anymore. My eyes glue to the figure. Fear still lingering in the air.

"Hey.."
I greet in small, cracked voice, cracked from previous wailling and screaming. my hands shaking, partly from fear. The figure takes a few slow steps closer.
"Hey, Shelly."
It speaks my name, making me slightly jump. My body hasn't calmed down from fear.
"H-how do you know my name?
I ask, my voice coming out dry again.
"When will you learn?"
Its voice is toned darkly.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"N-no I don't.."
I stare at the figure, confused. I get myself up slowly, standing up, leaning back against the wall. The figure takes two more steady steps closer.
"Stop lying to me, Shelly."
"I'm not. I-I promise."
I don't know why I'm promising.. an entity of some sort. I curse myself in my head - it's just a hallucination.
"You're just in my head. Y-you can't - you're not real."
"I am here. With you. To talk."
"There's.. there's nothing to talk about. Go away."
"That's the problem."
"What?"
"You're telling me to go away. How do you expect to get help when you keep pushing away what's best for you?"
My eyes widen at the figures words. I clench my jaw, feeling defensive.
"I-I'll figure it out soon. I know. Believe in me."
"Then why are you still in this room?"
"Because no one wants to help me."
"That's not true."
"What do you know?"
"I know what you know."
I open my mouth to say something, it closes. That doesn't make any sense.. it knows what I know? That makes me question what I know.
"I-.. don't know."
"You trapped yourself in here."
"What? No, I didn't. It wasn't my choice! S-someone put me here. I know. I couldn't have put myself in here. These walls protect me.. still."
"You trapped yourself in here."
It says firmly this time. I start to get mad.
"No. I didn't."
"You don't remember, do you?"
I stare at the figure, trying to remember anything. Nothing comes to mind.
"No.. I don't."
"Stop making these barriers for yourself."
It says out of nowhere.
"They aren't barriers.. these walls are protecting me."
"From what?"
I stare at the figure. They're trying to get me to speak - no spill and leak words out of my mouth. I won't say my fears in front of something I don't trust. I don't say anything. She's hard to look directly in the eyes since she has none, so I'm left with a silhouette of a head.
"You're just scared they'll all look at you. You're scared of being looked at. You're scared of any trouble crashing into your way. Your scares of others' thoughts, feelings, and looks towards you."
It speaks again with a rough edge. The tone makes me feel a crack inside. My eyes narrow.
"That's why you put these walls up. You barricaded yourself from the world. You're used to being in the darkness, alone and scared. You're used to crying and screaming for help. But no one hears your screams.. I wonder why that is."
I look away from the figure and towards one of the walls - one of the walls I wrecked months, or a year ago, from trying to get out. The figure turns to look at the same wall, and in my peripheral vision, I can see its side profile now.
"You tried to get out, didn't you?"
"I still am. I'm just.. taking a break."
The figure walks to the wrecked wall, it's pitchblack silhouette hand reaches to touch the wall. It traces the marks where I clawed and scratched at, the blood stains left on the wall, and a little hole in the middle that reveals a different exterior.
"I managed to make a small hole.. a.. beam of light came through."
I stammer a little, remembering the scary warmth of the beam.
"I remember."
My eyes widen a little, my brows furrow. How could they know?
"Pardon?"
They turn to me again.
"I remember."
"I.. I don't understand."
I gaze at the figure, confused.
"I remember. you tried to tackle that wall, clawing, giving it your all, until your hands were bleeding from the effort. Then you saw the beam of light peeking through. Then you just.. stopped to take a break."
My face softened as it spoke. It hardens again when they finish. I was about to say something.
"You couldn't keep up, you said to yourself. You just need a little break, you said to yourself."
"What ar-"
"You stood down, tired and exhausted. The way out was so close. It was the way out. But, there's always that little voice in your head.
That feeling of your heart squeezing.
That pit in your stomach.
That cold shiver in your spine.
That weak feeling in your hands and legs.
Fear.
Fear of that beam of light."
My eyes widen as they speak, my fists clench.
"I-I.. it wasn't- fear. I was just -"
"Tired."
Both of us say at the same time. I take a deep breath.
"Stop messing with me. I wasn't.. scared."
"Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you really wanna keep screaming for nothing? Do you wanna keep crying for nothing? Do you wanna die like that? With no story to tell? Except that you isolated yourself for loneliness?"
I stare at the figure- feeling breathless. I can't speak.
"I know you know. You know you know."
I scoff.
"Can you stop saying that I know? I don't know anything!"
"Yes, you do. You're just ignoring it because you're scared. You know it's the right way for you."
I clench my jaw, my eyes narrow. Now I know what he's saying. Letting someone into these barriers. I look away, not saying anything.
"Looking away won't help. Avoiding the light won't make anything better."
My eyes soften.
"What? I'm not avoiding the light.."
"You are.. for the same reason for your fear. Let someone in."
"No."
I answer quickly with a rough tone.
"You know it's okay. Just accept it."
"Stop it."
"I know what you know."
"Stop that, too."
It's so annoying how they keep saying they they know what I know.
"You're so used to being like this that you forgot how you even got here."
I don't say anything. A quietness fills the room before it speaks again. I think it thought I was gonna say something.
"You met someone. They hurt you, and you were blind to it. They convinced you it was a special bond. You thought you only needed them, and only that one person. Gabe. Gabe was 'special' to you. Then he went away, leaving you an open wound. Then, you built these barriers for protection from any hurt. They stared thin at first. Then it got thicker each time you tried to get out. And you know why. You were scared of that beam of light. You knew it was the right way out. But you gave up. You put yourself here."
I listen to its distorted voice, getting used to it. The memories come back to me, making my face harden. I find myself having finding nothing to say. It speaks again.
"You are your own monster. You are your own enemy. You're too afraid to be 'exposed' in any way, emotionally, physically, and you're embarrassed to even exist. So that's another reason you keep yourself isolated in these 'protective walls' you like to call. Are they really 'protecting' you? No, they keep you from experiencing life. You're supposed to get hurt and feel guilt, learn from it, and use what you learned to your advantage."
My eyes widen, even more breathless than before. I.. I did know that. I knew it. That's what she was, or it, was talking about.
"And.. the fact that you know that you know that there's absolutely nothing stopping you from breaking out of these barriers you put yourself in. There's nothing threatening you to stay in. Only your own fear is stopping you. You. You are stopping yourself. At this point, you are making yourself useless.. and not a human being."
I stare at the figure.
"H-how do you.. know all of that?"
I speak softly, not knowing what else to say.
"I can see right through you.
You can't lie to me.
You can lie to yourself.
Can't you see?
I am you."