It's hard you know? Living in your own skin wishing you were someone else. It's hard feeling the judgement and consequences of ever action and response I give thinking "damn I wish I was softer" or "no wonder why no one likes me" it's hard having parents who does not necessarily love themselves like I wish they did. I overthink, regret and contradict every word, sentence, line phrase that comes out of my mouth. I hate my mean mug and I hate my demeanor. I hate having friends because I always have been compared in the past so I can't help but compare myself now and get jealous over any and everything. I wish I was spoken about in a beautiful light, like when someone speaks about me their face glows and you see the impact I've had on that person. I hate how I walk and talk, I hatr my thought process, my mind will never allow me to just be free. I am my own worst enemy, I know all my secrets, flaws and triggers. I use them against myself. My big hands and feet. I'm so tall. My body shape, my head size, my big nose. Everything. I don't think I'm pretty enough and I lack friends and community. I really was never accepted honestly, any friends or friend groups I had growing up they all left me out, turned on me or just didn't work out. It has left me with ptsd though because anytime I'd state these things I have noticed I'd be looked at as crazy and problematic when that was never the case I just wanted to know why always me? Was it because I was too quiet? Was I too expressive? Too confrontational or not enough? What was it about me that always made me the OutKast since 1st grade all the way to my 22 year old friendships? Why did these repeated cycles make me feel so unworthy, insecure and ugly. Like if it was between me and them anyone, everyone and no one wouldn't pick me.
