champagne problems

#CP2

I can't remember a day when my mom and I had a bonding together. We are not like any other typical mother and daughter. We do not have that kind of relationship.

But I remembered when I was young, I asked dad if my mom loves me. I saw how surprised and worried his face that day and assured me that my mother loves me. Reason why I asked that, was because she never attended the important events of my life. Even the school events, I never seen and felt her presence. Even when I graduated valedictorian during my highschool and my dad walked with me on stage alone.

I used to feel sad about it before but I got used to it. My dad always say she's busy with our hotel chains business. But my dad was never busy, and was the only one being there for me. I don't have siblings. And as an only child, it felt sad.

Nakakatawa lang isipin na hindi ko maramdaman ang pagmamahal ni mommy noon pa. Hindi niya ako binibigyan ng atensyon at mas importante ang business namin kaysa sa akin. I get that she is working for our family, but sometimes...I was I had the courage to tell her that she is more important, that her presence and love for me is enough. Pero hindi ko kayang sabihin iyon sa kanya.

Don't get me wrong. I am not being ungrateful. Infact, I am so thankful for the life my parents has given me. Even just being born in this world is enough for me. Pero dito na yata talaga pumapasok iyong, "hindi lahat nabibili ng pera". Mas pipiliin ko pa iyong hindi kami ganoon kaalwan pero ramdam mo ang pagmamahal ng bawat isa kaysa sa ganitong sitwasyon ko. Yes, I can get anything that I want in just a snap...but I chose to work for the things that I want.

Dala dala ko ang mga kaisipang ito hanggang sa paglaki ko. I love my parents so much at ayaw kong ma- disappoint sila sa mga bagay na gagawin ko.

Hindi ko man maramdaman ang pagmamahal ni mommy, pero ramdam ko ang mga disgusto at disappointment niya sa akin. Lalo na sa pagpili ko ng kursong interior designing. She wants me to take up business because she wants me to work in our company. I chose not to. I want to make my own name. I want to create my own path. I want to be known for being me and not by being a daughter of a business magnate.

Kung ramdam ko ang dismaya niya noong bata pa ako, lalong lalo na ngayon. Hindi siya masaya sa pagiging model ko at lalong lalo na sa pagiging beauty queen. Wala naman daw akong makukuha at matututunan sa mga bagay na ito. I've been joining pageants since I was a kid and my dad supports me no matter how busy he is. He always put me first above anything else. Minsan nga ay hindi ko na lang sinasabi sa kanya dahil alam kong minsan ay pinag aawayan nila ni mommy iyon. Na kinukonsente ako ni daddy kahit na binibigay niya lang ang support na sana ay natatanggap ko sa kanilang dalawa.

Anong oras na pero hindi pa rin ako makatulog. Naiisip ko pa rin ang usapan namin ni mommy at kung paano niya pinipigilang magalit kanina. I actually haven't seen her mad. But her coldness is all over the place everytime she is around. But then, I chose to understand her. Maybe she's just not used to affection dahil kahit kay daddy ay ganoon din siya. Pero si daddy ay kitang kita mo sa mga mata niya ang pagmamahal kapag tinitingnan si mommy.

I guess iba iba talaga tayong mga tao. Iba iba ang pag express natin ng emosyon. May showy at hindi. May affectionate at hindi. Kahit na ilang beses ko na sinubukan na lumapit at makipag usap kay mommy pero palagi akong nalulungkot sa tuwing sasabihin niyang busy siya or she doesn't have extra time to waste. Di bale, hindi ko naman susukuan si mommy.

Halos nakatulugan ko na ang pag iisip at pati na siguro ang pagod kaya mahimbing ang tulog ko.

Kinabukasan ay kinatok ako ng isang katulong namin at sinabing kakain na raw. Naligo muna ako at nagbihis bago bumaba.

As usual, wala na naman si mommy. Sanay na sanay na ako na kami lang ni daddy ang nag aalmusal. Hindi ko nga lubos maisip na baka mag isa lang din na nag aalmusal si daddy dahil maagang umaalis si mommy. Pero baka naman nagmamadali lang talaga siya.

"Si mommy po, daddy? By the way good morning po." tanong ko kay dad kahit alam ko naman na ang sagot.

He put the newspaper down when he heard my voice. He gave me a smile and looked at me lovingly.

"She has an early meeting kaya maaga rin siyang umalis at hindi ka na nahintay."

Tumango na lang ako at ngumiti. Pero unti unti iyong nawala nang makita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata ni daddy.

"Sorry, anak." mahinang sabi niya sa akin.

"It's okay dad. Mom's just busy with the business and I understand."

Hinaplos niya ako sa buhok bago binigyan ng maliit na ngiti pero ramdam ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya. Kaya naman ay bigla na lang din akong nalungkot at hinaplos ang kamay niya sa ibabaw ng mesa.

"No, don't be sorry dad. I assure you that I understand."

"I just want you to know that I love you and will support you no matter what. You can do the things that makes you happy, anak. Ako na ang bahala sa mommy mo."

Sobrang saya ko kaya naman ay hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong yakapin siya. Hindi ko man ramdam ang pagmamahal at suporta ni mommy pero umaapaw naman ang pagmamahal no daddy sa'kin.

We resumed eating and talk about random things including my vacation next week. He just told me that I deserve to take a vacation, and a break from everything.

I love my dad so much, and I don't know what I will do without him.