Sometimes, there's a moment of the day where I seat on a chair, with a cup of dark coffee in my hand, and wait. It's like a pause, where the time stops, but somehow my soul gets old.
I don't even know what I'm waiting for, I just stay there, drowning on my own thoughts and desires.
With time, I've learnt to see, to observe the world around me, even in those quite moments, when the air feels dense and suffocating, I take the time to drink from my coffee, swallowing the bitter aftertaste, and glance to the flowers outside my window, allowing my body to breath.
I consider myself as someone who, even after witnessing the true colors of this achromatic world, still truthfully believes on the beauty of love, but also on the bitteness of loss and self-hatred. I think that's what makes me feel actually alive.
For example, I've always found the romance of movies amusing, something that, when I was younger, thought it would be my future when I grow up, it clearly wasn't.
I remember dreaming about my perfect lover, someone gentle and with tender eyes, someone who could hold my face and whisper sweet things to my ear on lonely nights, someone who could make me feel complete and full where I felt empty.
The classic view of your dreamt house next to the mountines, the cold from the outsite hitting my cheeks while wearing a big, cozy sweater, reminding me the warmth of my house, yet the cool of my soul.
Sometimes I wonder if there is someone who is whiling to stay with me, to hold my hand and guide me to the beauty of pure and ethereal love.
But other times, I sit and realize, that the life I pictured, was something that I had to make by myself. Because if I waited for someone to show me how to love, then I'd die on my chair.
The questions that we make to ourselfs, wondering why and when, are just excuses that keep us from living, it's a curious way of distracting our minds from the bitter reality.
No one is there to save you.
People aren't there to make us feel better, like we aren't there to make them either.
Sometimes we get so caught up on those ideas, that we forget how to save ourselfs, and to go outside to smell the air, or appreciate the flowers.
Healing is a difficult process, but it's something that everyone has to go through at some point in their own way. It takes time, many mistakes, tears, pain and agony, but no one heals a cut without touching the wound. Sure, we can use some help and company, but a proper healing won't be done by someone else, not even the best doctor.
If you want to heal, you'll have to learn how to do it by yourself.
And if you want to learn how to do it by yourself, you'll have to stop waiting.
Do yourself a favor, and stand up from that chair.
