We're a mess, I don't want to love you

I'm Tired, I'm Sorry

Dependency.

No, codependency.

That's how Chuuya Nakahara would describe his relationship with the infamous Osamu Dazai.

————-

The amount of times he had found Dazai in their shared bathroom looking at him with a blank expression while crimson red blood dripped from his wrists was to much for him to count. He was over it, honestly. Of course it's a rude thing to say but he's tired. Chuuya knew Dazai had issues that has always been prominent ever since they met, but what about his problems? Dazai asked if he was okay occasionally sure, but it wasn't the same as what Chuuya did for him. So here he was at 1am putting bandages away in the cabinet while Dazai was out, doing what? He didn't know. He didn't ask anymore. He didn't care.

About an hour later he got a call from Dazai. Chuuya stared at his phone for a couple minutes contemplating if he wanted to pick it up. It could be two things: Dazai's in trouble or Dazai’s drunk. After a minute or so he surrendered to himself and answered. ‘Please don’t be drunk, please don't be drunk, please don't be drunk’ Chuuya thought to himself, he didn't want to deal with an intoxicated Dazai.

“What is it bastard?” Chuuya demanded through the cell phone. If Dazai wasn't going to respond he would have hung up.
“Chuuuuyaaaaa~” He could hear Dazais slurred speech through his phone. Not tonight, not again. He just wanted one night where he could spend time with Dazai normally. Dazai had been getting drunk more often recently and it was pissing him off. Chuuya just let out a sigh and hung up, he knew the drill. He grabbed his hat and left the apartment.

——-—-—-

Strolling down the night street of Yokohama, purposefully trying to procrastinate on the walk. Chuuya thought about buying Dazai some take out since he didn't make dinner for him back at the apartment, but decided against it. He wouldn't eat it anyways, he never did and Chuuya didn't feel like wasting his yen tonight. Before he knew it he was in front of Lupin Bar. Dragging his feet reluctantly into the small building until he spotted that brown hair, Dazai’s hair. Chuuya walked over only to see him slumped against the bar counter.

“Come on Dazai, no more alcohol for you.’ Chuuya stated and lifted Dazai up by the shoulders trying to support him. He wanted to be sympathetic, he really did but this has gone on for so long that he's just numb to it. Dazai stumbled slightly before putting all his weight onto Chuuya, great.

“Haii~ C..chuyyaa..” Dazai mumbled or slurred or both, Chuuya couldn't tell but however he said that, it annoyed him. A reminder that his boyfriend is intoxicated, a reminder that he has been everyday for the past few months, a reminder that he always has to pick up his messes, a reminder that Dazai had never helped Chuuya this much when he was drunk.

“Yes it’s me idiot, we’re leaving.” He huffed, leaving some cash on the counter before exiting with Dazai. Dazai was NOT a lightweight in the slightest so for him to be this out of it was surprising, well should've been. Chuuya didn't care if he was tipsy, buzzed, drunk, or wasted; they all required the same amount of effort.

 

————-

Chuuya found himself slowly walking in auto-pilot, just mindlessly helping Dazai walk with him. It was quiet, the moon was bright for once. He looked up at the sky and saw all the shining stars. One hundred million twinkle lights.

“Its really late, you know, mackerel?” He blurted to Dazai who looked at him with hazy eyes.

“Y..ouuu promisedd you'd ta..kee me homee thoughhh…” He said in response, barely audible. That's true. He did promise, which is why he's doing this right now.

————-

“Asshole!” Chuuya said to him trying to grab the wine bottle from Dazai

“Nuh-uh chibi! You're wasted~” he teased in response. Chuuya just grumbled. “Let me take you home.” Dazai said, leaning in front of the ginger.

“...No” he slurred

“C'monn! If you let me, I promise you can take me home when I'm wasted. It'll be like our little thing!” The brunet grinned.

————-

Chuuya shook off the memory. He needed to stop fantasizing about the past. The first time he took Dazai home he was annoyed, the second time angry, the third concerned, the fourth sad, the fifth worried. Now, now he didn't feel anything because no matter what feelings he had nothing would change, Dazai would keep doing this and Chuuya loved him so he would keep doing this.

Love, a feeling he had never understood, one that he still doesn't. Chuuya assumes what he has for Dazai is love, what else would it be? Dazai loves him back. Dazai loves him back, he thinks. Dazai loves him back, he believes. Dazai loves him back, he hopes. Chuuya tried to snap himself out of his thoughts and return his focus to the brunet.

“Are you okay?” Chuuya asked, trying to sound sympathetic. He was curious as to why Dazai drank so much but he knew he wouldn't be informed.
“Hmmm… nooo.. yo..uu can make me feel betterrr~” Dazai grinned drunkenly before sloppily placing his lips on Chuuyas. That was unexpected, fuck. His lips were so warm from the alcohol. Chuuya decided to lean into Dazai’s drunk impulse kiss.
It didn't feel right, no, it didn't feel the same. Dazai's lips were warm, really warm but his tongue was in his mouth and there was no taste. Chuuya didn't feel anything from his affection. He kept kissing him in hopes of feeling something like he used to.

————-

Eventually he pulled away from Dazai, he couldn't do this. Dazai was drunk, he shouldn't have entertained that, Dazai didn't even know where he was right now. He looked into his boyfriend's confused eyes. He started being filled with guilt. Shit. Chuuya gently pushed Dazai's head into his chest hoping he would pass out from intoxication so he could deal with his own feelings.
“We’ll be home in a bit.” Chuuya muttered, his lips felt so numb from that kiss.

After struggling to unlock the apartment door with a scrawny man in his arms he laid him on the couch. Dazai was asleep now, that was to be expected. Of course Chuuya wouldn't get a ‘thank you’ in the morning for helping with this. Why did he deserve one anyways? It's routine, you don't get thank yous for something that you do everyday.

‘Sometime love dies like a dog.’