Scatterings

Chapter 1 | Messy Feelings

Hi, my name is Afnan. No, I am a girl, and yes, this is the story of my life. Well, not exactly. This book is about how I wanted the story of my life to go. And all the ways it did not. And also about how its currently going. I need prayers, mortal immortal alike.

My perfect life is far from my current life. How I would have wanted to grow up, is not how I grew up.

My ideal life would have been a normal American highschool. Lockers in the hallways, different classrooms for different subjects, walking around the small school building, food fights at the break in cafeteria: you know, a typical life of a highschool student. Mine was nothing like that. I went to semi-government school, the type that won't listen to the government and was mad expensive. They overcharged us for everything: notebooks, stationery, art supplies. We even had to pay for our farewell parties.

We did not have lockers. So you can imagine the torment I had to go through carrying a heavy bag to school every day, in a uniform that I swear will haunt me even 20 years from now. No ponies allowed if your hair were long enough to be braided. Trimmed nails, no dangling earrings, no piercings of any other kind, no makeup, restrictions on lunch money, that kind of school.

We were always in the same class, not allowed to fly paper planes, throw notes, or eat inside classroom. We weren't even allowed to eat anywhere outside the cafeteria. They searched us for any goodies we might sneak out. So much so that it became a game of dare. People were coming up with unique ways to sneak food, and if someone ever saw someone else get away with it, they never snitched. It was an accomplishment, trophy-worthy.

It was a pretty strict school alright, until we entered two years of our A-Levels. After that, it was like we had stepped into another world entirely.

We were encouraged to join and lead committees, clubs, sports. Our opinion was taken into consideration. We organized events, hosted sport galas, drama, fairs, you name it.

The downside? We were worked like slaves, and never given enough credit anywhere. Well, not we, my classmates. I never had the will to join anything. It wasn't compulsory, and the way colleges work in my country, you just have to pass an entry test which was tough, because well, there was too much to learn.

Maybe if I had done some extracurriculars though, I wouldn't have been rejected by most colleges because I would have had something to show.

I also never experienced teenage love. Or a love that was reciprocated anyway. I've had crushes throughout, but one that was reciprocated? Life did not like me enough. Oh, what would I have given for wanting to wake up for school, just to see him and hold his hands, to wander around the hallways alongside him, smiling, laughing.

But it was okay. Just because I did not have the perfect teenage hood, did not mean I could not have the perfect adult life.

Boy, how wrong was I.

Let me tell you, taxes came as a huge shock. And the change in my surroundings even more. I had always wanted to live independently. Alone, get a 9-5 job, come home to no-one, no nagging, no irrelevant opinions, no picking up after another human being, or a feline. Life, in my imaginary world, would have been perfect; no touchy-feely emotions, no compromises, no unnecessary judgement.

However, I graduated A-Levels. And had a gap year because no university would take a lazy student like me in. Funny enough, it was then that I realized how scary adulthood could be. I had to pay for my own clothes, hot water, gas, electricity, everything. My family would meet, all the cousins, while I would be living alone, at a remote place. I realized how even though I was not a fan of them, I would infact terribly miss them.