Am I Even Happy?

Congratulations! We are glad to inform you that you are qualified for the interview!

PROGRAM: BS Nursing

STATUS: For Interview

"Nakapasa.....ako... Nakapasa ako!" 

I am fucking relieved! Itong school na ito na lang ang last chance ko for medical course. Not unless gustuhin ko na pasukin ang mundo ng Math courses. Eww, never. Bobo ako sa Math oh? Kaya nga ako pumasok ng medical course kasi ayoko sa Math. 

"Dad, nakapasa po ako sa BS Nursing sa Indang. For interview na po ako next week." 

"Hmm, buti naman" Damn? that's all I got. Sabagay, sanay naman na ako.

Being an achiever since uh, what, elementary? It has a consequence. Sa una lang sila masaya sa achievements mo. Sa huli? wala na yung excitement, wala na yung wow factor na kinasanayan mo dati. Kumbaga, sanay na kasi sila kaya kapag hindi mo na achieve or nag-fail ka sa isang bagay, either disappointment ka or you are a fucking total failure para sa kanila.

People will kiss your cheeks when you win, but how about when you fail? when you fall?

You do realize that being the best comes with its own kind of loneliness and emptiness? It feels like the circle of people who truly understand you gets smaller, smaller, and fucking smaller. 

And now, is it okay to fail?

The answer would be–

"Bakit?! Ano na naman 'yang problema mo?" Sigaw na naman sila nang sigaw. Nakakarindi.

"Wala"

"Eh bakit ka umiiyak sa harap ng pagkain? ang arte arte mo! Punasan mo nga 'yang luha mo."

Pinipilit ko naman. Trust me, I am fucking trying my best to stop all these tears.

"Ano ba? Bakit ka ba iyak nang iyak?"

"Wala nga"

"Eh anong wala? eh ano 'yang mga iyak mo na 'yan ha? Kaya ka nga kinakausap para malaman 'yang mga ginagawa mo tapos hindi ka naman nagsasalita? Tumayo ka d'yan kung iiyak ka at 'wag ka na kumain!"

"Wala nga! Sa school lang! Bumagsak ako sa AnaPhy na exam!" Tanginang luha naman kasi 'yan bakit ba kasi ayaw tumigil! Gusto ko lang naman kasing kumain pero sobrang bigat kasi talaga. How the fuck did I fail? Nag-aral naman ako magdamag? I even pulled an all nighter study session para lang sa long quiz na ito sa isang online site then what? I failed? Not even half of the passing score!

A fucking failure!

"Parang 'yan lang? Iniiyakan mo? Napakahina mo naman, ate! Akala ko naman ikaw ang kakapitan n'yang kapatid mo kapag may problema eh mahina ka naman pala. Anong gagawin mo eh bumagsak ka na? Puro ka kasi cellphone at laptop kaya ka bumagsak!"

Wow, just wow! Fucking wow! Kapag panganay ka pala ay hindi ka pala talaga pwedeng maging mahina kasi once you display yourself as a weak person, it will measure you as a whole person. Plus, here we go with the never ending "kaka-cellphone mo iyan!". Mind you, we are still in pandemic, hence, the online classes??? I am enrolled sa online class tapos 'yan maririnig ko? Grabe Lord! Anong nagawa ko at ganito na naman ang bahay namin?

"Mag-aral ka kasi sa sunod para hindi ka bumabagsak, hindi yung puro ka iyak d'yan! Anong magagawa ng iyak mo eh bumagsak ka na? Hindi ka naman gan'yan dati!" and there, my heart fucking finally sank.

Grabe ano? With every crown you earn, a part of your heart slowly starts to feel vacant. 

Kapag panalo, kasama mo sila. Kapag talo, mag-isa ka.

It's tough to be a loser, especially when your failures start creating differences and distances from those who were once close to you. The times they clap for you become fewer as time goes by, and being successful becomes a bittersweet journey towards understanding true happiness.

How are you?

Amidst all that you've accomplished, you feel the weight of loneliness. Failure comes with unexpected costs. You keep on questioning if you are doing it right? can you accomplish it? can you bring yourself to win it? but at what cost? see yourself suffer from loneliness and emptiness?

Am I even happy?

Here am I, remembering those times. I was indeed a happy kid. I was a kid who gets excited and happy over some silly and shallow things. I was a kid who likes compliment and gifts. I was a kid who was happy before all these achievements and responsibilities. I was a happy person.

–And now, is it okay to fail?

Maybe it's time to shut away because I've never really felt okay. 

—

xo, C