Here we are again.
Back in pain.
Back in misery.
Back to feeling miserable.
I start to do things right. I start to feel happy. I start to feel like things are gonna be okay.
But then you just had to break again. You had to lose it. You had to go back to hurting me. Because you can't regulate your emotions. You can't just talk your feelings out. You can't bring up a problem when it first affects you.
Instead, you hold it in. You let it boil inside you until one little match lights the spark. Doesn't matter who. But it usually ends up being me. The easy target. The one you know will always try to change to fit what you want. The one who cares too much. The one you raised.
And now a few times a year, for different amounts of time, you hurt me.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
You hurt me with your words, making my brain do nothing but think of how I could have messed up again. It makes my chest hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt. I cry for both the pain I'm in and the hurt you are feeling. And it just keeps replaying and replaying until it makes me nauseous. And when you are in this moos, you don't care. You don't care how you make me feel. Because you say you want to make me feel like how I make you feel.
I know words and actions can definitely alter someone, but nothing I have ever done to you should result in how you have treated me.
And the worst part about it? I keep forgiving you. I keep putting up with it. Because I care too much. Because I don't want to lose you. Because everything I have done has been to make you proud.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of wishing you would be like your past self again. Where you'd be goofy and let me be me and grow. Let me learn. Let me discover myself.
I thought there was nothing that could break us. Our home team. But you're the one that broke it because you can't express your emotions right... I wish you saw how perfect I really was.
