i can't

1.

nothing feels as good as being skinny

kate moss has said. at least i think
so, i don't know.

i thought that was the stupidest thing ever. people being overly obsessed with losing weight to impress someone, to be like someone, not be judged by someone.

unbelievable i thought

"you look like you gained some weight"
i turned around and it was my boyfriend.

"what are you talking about" i giggled thinking it wasn't true... right?

"you've gained weight, your tummy looks huge and thighs are big" he said as he was walking up to me, examining my body.

i turned back to the mirror, looking at the things he has pointed out.

he was in fact right, i do look bigger, fat.. ugly. i never thought i would think like this..
my fingers grazed my stomach and thighs, pinching the extra fat on them. i had the look of shock and disgust on my face wondering how i let myself go like that.

i snapped back into reality when my boyfriend laughed, he walked up behind my putting his hands on my waist

"it's okay babe, but i think you should lose a few pounds. i don't really like bigger girls" he patted my stomach and went to the bathroom. i heard the door click and the shower turning on.

i stood in the mirror for a few more seconds disappointed in myself.

i wanted to do something about this

no.

i NEEDED to do something about this.

i after a few minutes in front of the mirror. i decided to look for the scale in the storage closet.

..ended up finding the scale. never thinking i needed to use it. it was packed with dust indicating that it hasn't been used for a while.

i dusted it over as much as i could and finally stepped on it, scared it will break. wait.. why am i thinking like this?

i waited a few seconds, bright blue numbers finally popped up showing my weight.

"160lbs".  

it read.

my heart dropped, it came to realization that i was over weight.. too over weight.

tears started forming in my eyes

why did i let myself get to this point

why. i kept telling myself

why.

why.

why...

"babe, are you coming to bed" my boyfriend yelled out from the room"

i stood there in the hallway collecting myself, digging the heels of my hands into my eye trying to get rid of the tears as fast as i can

"babe?" he yelled again

"yeah!, i'm coming" i yelled back, rushing to put the scale back into our storage closet.

i came back into our room, my boyfriend on the bed confused.

"why did it take so long?" his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

i was quick to make an excuse. "oh, i was just thinking about what to do tomorrow"

he didn't look like he believed me. i wouldn't believe me either, i barely go out.

he sighed and motioned me to join him in bed, i did so.

i laid down right beside him thinking of the words he had said about me

"i'm not really into bigger girls"

tears started forming in my eyes again, i turned around and mumbled a good night and received a goodnight a few moments after.

why.. just why?

a/n

sorry if this was just downright awful, i haven't written anything in over 2 years.

anyways, my updates will be random.. i have no set days i will be posting chapters on.

info abt the characters:

the main character is mostly based on me (a black girl), but you can imagine her as whoever you want.

along with the bf.

the other love interest is going to be based on lee haeran (yes the basketball player) she just popped up in my mind while planning this.
the character is going to be her name, i'm not revealing my name, so i have to come up with a name myself.

also the character isn't rlly going to be based off of her personality.. some parts yes, other than that no.

i hope you guys will enjoy this and i will try to make the chapters a little longer.

bye bye! 🤍