I'll Hold On To You

Increasing Worry

Maybe you can understand me, so I'm sending my trapped self to you... ― This Is My Path, Na Yoon Kwon

xxxxxx

[Relaina]

That question hit me hard like no other. Then again, as if I would let him know that. Kailangan ko muna itong makausap.

"Puwede ba naman 'yon? Heto na nga ako, 'di ba?" Seriously, does this guy really think I was that scared of him or at least I hated him that much for me not to come?

Puwes! Ibahin ako nito, 'no!

"Bakit ka ba nagpapaulan dito, ha? Nagpapakamatay ka lang talaga, 'no? Alam kong doktor ang nanay mo pero hindi naman ibig sabihin n'on, magpapaulan ka rito at hahayaan mo ang sarili mo na magkasakit ulit. Pambihira! Kagagaling mo lang sa sakit, 'di ba?" Oo na. Mukha na ako nanay rito sa pagsermon sa bugok na kamoteng 'to. But I could care less.

Pero mukhang hindi nakikinig si Brent sa anumang sinasabi ko rito. Heto nga't parang nahihirapan ang anyo nito. I wanted to approach him, to at least ease that pain he was surely feeling at the moment.

"I'm sorry, Laine. I'm really sorry for hurting you like that." Now his voice was cracking.

Ramdam ko na unti-unting nangingilid ang mga luha ko. I closed my eyes, hoping that it would stop it somehow. I failed. "Brent..."

"Damn it!"

Napapitlag ako dahil doon. But I could at least tell na hindi para sa akin iyon.

"Will you stop berating yourself, at the very least? Lalong makakasama sa iyo 'yan, kung alam mo lang." Great! I couldn't believe that I still had the guts to joke around like that. Eh, ang tensed na nga ng sitwasyon sa pagitan naming dalawa.

Well, I guessed it wasn't considered a joke to begin with. Geez! Ano ba 'tong pinag-iisip ko?

"How can you still talk to me like this after all that I did that hurt you?" Brent was looking at me incredulously, despite the hurt in his eyes.

"Sa pagkakatanda ko, ang pagpalo mo sa akin ang tanging kasalanan mo na nakasakit sa akin. But I know you were in a trance when you did that, although not totally enough for me not to talk to you or even approach you like this."

I guessed hindi inaasahan ng lalaking 'to ang mga sinabi kong iyon. Halata iyon sa pagkabiglang rumehistro sa mukha nito.

"Hindi ka pa rin naniniwala sa sinasabi ko? Ano naman ang tingin mo sa akin? Ganoon kasama para layuan kita? Ikaw yata ang mababaw ang takbo ng isip sa ating dalawa, eh. You had a reason why you did that, but definitely not enough to make me hate you or loathe you, at the most," dagdag ko.

But why did I have a feeling that everything I was saying to him at the moment looked a lot like information overload? Hindi pa rin nakapagsalitang muli si Brent. He was just looking at me na para bang tinitimbang nito ang mga sinasabi ko.

I just gave him a look that I hoped would tell him that everything I had said was the truth. Ewan ko lang kung nasa huwisyo pa ito para maintindihan nito iyon.

He sighed. Only this time, a ragged one. Napakunot-noo ako nang mapuna ko iyon. Nag-uumpisa na ring bumigat ang paghinga nito na para bang—

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang dumating sa akin ang realisasyon kung bakit nga ba ito ganoon. Naku naman po! Masasapak ko talaga nang wala sa oras ang lalaking 'to.

Agad kong sinalat ang noo at leeg nito. Hindi nakaligtas sa akin ang pagpiksi nito, lalo na nang salatin ko ang temperatura nito. Tama nga ang hinala ko. May lagnat na naman ito.