The sense of forgiving is one of a god that neither exists and yet never will unfortunately.
The better the more there is a set back, it's like life and death. If you die then you are free from all the suffering yet you also won't wake up ever again to visit your favorite places or eat your favorite food again, you won't even be able to see your loved and or cared ones.
If you live then you get to do and see many things but the sacrifice is you have to suffer and do as the government and the "superior" people say as if you are their little slave which makes you really dwell on the death situation, but once you are at the brink of death, you think about how you want to live. There is no winner, it's a lose-lose situation either way.
Forgiving comes with its great advantages like getting back the relationship and or making a good and more stable one with someone, but then it bites you in the ass with the consequences of people's words, "stop apologizing, it will get annoying, it's not what i want to hear from you." "There is nothing to be sorry for." "You look weak when you say that, own up to your punishment and that's all the apology I need." you never win, you either look weak or they appreciate it which still makes you weak for letting such a person know that you are indeed guilty.
Nobody likes a sore loser and yet nobody likes a cocky winner. You pick one or the other, there is no gray for that and you can't stop it because it's just a part of life. Nobody cares for you, you have to care for yourself, be your number one. Or at least that's what I have been taught.
Do you get the most out of the last laugh or is it you that you are laughing at?
We all know the real answer to such things, but what do you feel is actually correct?
Usually when people laugh around me it's at me or for something that involved something of me. Like a note or a drawing. It could even be me spouting all my feelings on a piece of paper, which is then the moment I get laughed at for being "emo" when in reality we all feel this way yet we never show it because it's not "normal". It's not normal to think that us being "emo" or having such feelings isn't normal. We all feel that way at one point or the other so why cover it to be someone else? It's not like others should judge seeing as they also feel that way deep inside and just too scared to show such a thing in front of anyone because they don't want to be the one called "emo" or "depressed". I'm the laughing stock, though now I am such a thing on purpose of being the comic relief so that others don't have to feel such things. It may hurt sometimes but that's the point isn't it? Others enjoy people's pain no matter the person. It could be your little brother or your mother tripping up a step and they still feel humor off the situation while your mother or younger brother wallow in their own pity from the embarrassment that is going to be stuck in their brain for many years to come. Those many thoughts and years of dwelling will lead to mental illness and that will end in you becoming the laughing stock once more for having such feelings. Is this a book? A story? Or a journal of how I feel? Is it me typing my "opinions" into a computer? No, it's me typing the truth and pulling all the crap we know into words people can't express themselves. This is just the clear truth of reality, many wouldn't know because they are still drowning in their own selfishness and pity. I can't really say anything different because I'm doing the same thing as them, but that's what makes us human, unfortunately.
"You are not the player in control. There is always someone above that thinks just the same, repeating the cycle until it ends with the ground under our feet catching another member of faith and flower."
I cut deeper, deeper than I expected. In my thoughts, feelings, expressions, and my physical body. Every part has scars and will soon gain others, other than the physical one... hopefully. The scars came from everyone that has the privilege to be let into my mind, and, of course, myself. I scar myself the worst than anyone else has to me, and maybe that part I fear will never leave. I'm scared, but not of anything specific or physical. No, I'm scared of who I am and what I will become. I'm scared of what i will do next, what i will think of next that will most definitely ruin my sad depressing life once more. Everything is so scary and i know how it is and i know what makes it different and carry yet i can't save myself from it because i'm too small, too weak. I can never be strong enough to fend off such a thing, and that's why I almost gave up and let the monster swallow me whole as I gave into my selfish desire for freedom and peace. But i guess being selfish is a part of being human so there is nothing to differentiate such a thing unfortunately. Thats why im not giving into life instead of trying to create my own path that would have most definitely ended with me on a ledge of some sort, and now i'm letting life take the wheel. The wheel may swerve sometimes but there is always a mistake in an art piece, we just don't ever see it because we are the civilian eye. If you are looking for the mistake, you are looking for the problem because you want it to glow in your life which puts you in a hole that ends up with you offing yourself in some sort of way, mentally, physically, and even financially. I may only be 14 years of age, but I already know my thought process needs medical attention, yet I don't feel like I'm the only one. I've seen worse and yet they still don't get such attention, so why am I so selfish? I'm asking for help I don't even deserve. I want to be okay, yet it's hard to be okay with everything. Life itself is a problem. Causing me suffering with every step I take, thinking I'll make it to the end of this never ending nightmare and yet as soon as I see the light and actually reach for it, it disappears as soon as my hand is a inch away from its warmth. It's forgiveness for my wrong doings. But that's karma for who I used to be, as well as who I am now, and I won't cry over something I deserve when it was coming my way since I was just a tiny little child. A child who didn't know what good nor bad was. A child who thought that if I got a singular A+ in my class, I would be able to do anything. I was a naive child, but sometimes I wish I still was.
