I'm not inclined to deal with anyone, so why do I?
why do I put up with people that I know don't do anything but make me feel like shit? people that can't support me, that can't even muster up the courage to ask me if somethings wrong. people that aren't willing to help me, even in the slightest bit.
liars, they all are. pretending to care like I do. it isn't fair, but I stopped caring about the fairness of life a while ago. it's the pain I care about. how I feel, all the time.
tired, needy, hungry for real emotion. starving for the raw feeling of love that nothing seems to feed.
I can run, I can hide, I can isolate, I can do anything I damn please and still no one would even act like they cared. and I know they don't, but it doesn't take away from the aching. the ache of everything, the ache of staying silent to make sure others feel heard.
I pick them over myself. the people that won't help me, the ones who can't benefit to my life. I wish someone would support me, because I'm tired of supporting. my body hurts because my brain does, my brain hurts because my heart does.
I found peace in the inferno of anger. now, it's mellowed out. I swim in pools and pools of the tears from others, and treading water makes my legs tired. holding myself up gets more and more difficult the higher you speak of yourself, the harder you shove me down. the waves grow, and I'll lose my breath if they get any higher.
hanging on. hanging on to the inkling of a thought that someone will care.
I live in a jail full of windchimes. so many beautiful sounds that create so many beautiful feelings, but it's so much. it's overwhelming. there's too much. what I'm saying doesn't make sense, doesn't it? but it won't matter, because tomorrow I can be contacted and I'll be normal like I always am.
silence. I am always silent. quiet, observing. observing you, wanting to keep everyone safe from eachother. observing because no one else will.
