Humanity

Prelude to Life

I once thought that there was hope for me. I once hoped that I would live to be a great, great man. I once dreamed, but know my sleeps are full of an empty abyss. But perhaps I should start from the beginning. Perhaps I should start again.

I was born a rich boy. Everything was already sorted for me. During this time in my life, I was a perfect boy. My grades in school were near perfect. father was almost always proud of me. On nights when he would drink Baijiu with friends he would spill his wildest dreams about me. I was a top-tier lawyer who won case after case. I was a doctor researching cures to the most deadly and dangerous diseases. I was a politician so high up in the ranks that our leader would call me to oversee his meetings. I was at his rallies and speeches. I was father's pride and joy. I was his whole world. And I believed.

Yet at this time I didn't know what it was like to truly live. I didn't know what it was like to walk the streets barefooted and scared. I didn't know the darkness of the world, yet I felt it inside of me at that age. Everyone around me held me up on their shoulders and showered me with praise, yet behind their smiles there lay something sinister. They were all-knowing after all, and must not be disappointed. All my interests were guided by father. I learned to play chess in his lap. I learned math and science and law all from his hand and mouth. I didn't have a personality because I was not a person. I was more akin to clay, a substance that others used for molding. A substance that became whatever its shaper desired. But a substance that became nothing it desired because it desired nothing at all.

At school I had no friends. For friends were complicated matters. I observed from the far corners of the schoolyard all the other classmates playing and laughing. I once imagined myself among them as well. I could picture it so vividly. I would be a master at all the games they would play. I would laugh with them, and tell them all the great things that rested on my heart. But I could not, for there was nothing to tell them. I was an empty boy. But one day someone found it in their heart to talk to me.
"Hey, you there! Have you seen my hat? I seem to have put it down somewhere and I really need it before class starts."

I felt all the muscles in my body tense up at the request of this boy. I didn't know him and he didn't know me. We were simply separate. I didn't know how he would react to whatever I would tell him. With father it was always so easy. He wanted me to want whatever was the most grand, most glorious, but this boy, well I didn't know what he wanted.

"Come on, someone has to have seen it, I know it, I simply do." The boy said again, looking at me with wide eyes. He knew the trouble he'd be in if his uniform was incomplete.

"Yes," I said, finally, "I've just seen it over there," I pointed vaguely to my right.

The boy's face lit up and rushed over to where I had pointed and to my utter surprise, he had found his hat.

"Thank you, thank you!" He said, "Would you like to come over to my house later? My mother will make you a great dinner and food."

I didn't know what to say to this either. I had never even known that this boy's hat was where I had pointed. However it was in this moment that I had a spark of feeling in my chest. I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know if it was what father would have wanted. I didn't know what the best choice was. I didn't want any hearts the break because of me. I only wanted the best for everyone. But luckily I was saved from answering because we were all ushered to the front of the building to sing our national anthem. I loved to sing. It had really no purpose in life, it simply was. Yet some people lived off of singing. They made up wild and imaginative lyrics to complement a new melody and this was something wonderful. I believe that if music were to ever leave our lives, then we would be none the wiser to its departure.

After that day in school was done the boy from the morning came up to me again. He was panting as he had run to catch up to me.

"Oh... I thought you had run away from me," The boy said, "I don't think that I actually introduced myself, I'm Lanhu, are you still able to come for dinner?"

Again the question was posed. And again I didn't know what to do. The boy seemed to really want me to go to his house, but if father would approve... I didn't know. Human emotions are quite hard to read, for they hide it behind a mask all so often. I think it would be better if all humans wore their emotions on their sleeves. Our understanding of each other would be much greater and profound. Yet for some reason they prefer to hide behind a mask. To appear strong and mature. To look upon the beauty of the world and reflect it like a mirror.

"I.. um..I" I stammered, still thinking about what my response would be, "Sure I can come."

To this day I don't know why I gave this answer. I would have been better off if I had told him I'd ask father. But there was a part of me that wanted to meet this other person. This person away and different from my family. I wondered if he was just as human as they were.

Lanhu led me through the busy streets, guiding me through paths unknown. This was another part of life that I didn't know. Lanhu lived in a crowded part of town while I lived on the edge, on the far hill, away from the noise and smell of the masses. Lanhu lived in a multi-room and multi-family house. His house was filled of the smell of roasting and the sound of voices.

"I know there is nothing much here, but we try and make do." Lanhu said to me, slipping off his shoes and aimlessly tossing them to the corner.

I was still taking in the house. The floorboards were uneven and creaking. The walls were wooden which were left unpainted and had even lost their wooden color to be left partially blackened. However, most interestingly was the rafters above. The roof, like all others was slanted, but rafters ran from where the walls ended and the roof began. These rafters served no purpose. They were simple observers to the house. They added no support nor artistic design to the house. Should they be removed, the room would have felt more spacious and freeing. But they were there, like horizontal bars on a prison cell. Pushing everyone closer to the ground.

Perhaps even more interesting than the rafters was the space between them and the roof above. It looked like a smaller version of the room I stood in. Almost like a cage for the Sha that the roof serves to deflect.

Lanhu returned to the front area of the room and brought me back farther into a before unseen room. Although I really couldn't call it a room as the only thing that separated it from the front room was a large fabric hanging from the rafters. Within this room there was a table and two women cooking over a fire.

Lanhu ushered me over to the table and sat me down. There was little light save for the fire in the south end of the room. Lanhu introduced the two as his mother and aunt. After a few minutes they had finished their cooking and placed the meal before us.

"Please, don't worry about eating too much, I assure you, we have plenty," The older of the two women said, a wide smile on her face.

The two sat down with us and we ate. Lanhu's family eats much differently than mine. The women shared rice wine and soon boisterous laughter rose from the table. The whole family chattered about their days with no rhyme or reason to the direction of their conversation. None were observers save for I as everyone indulged in their talk and food.

Even I started to lose myself in their chatter, learning about Lanhu's father who fights valiantly in the army. About Lanhu's brother who studies away on a scholarship, about his grandfather who would sit at the table for hours at a time and ramble stories of great empires lost.

I remember how my dinners go. All at that table were inhuman observers. We watch each other with clouded eyes and eat with delicate, glass hands. None other than father command conversation. Although, being the merciful man he is, he allows other to speak about themselves. It was during this sharing command I would only share sweet stories as fantastical as life itself, but none would notice as they were already lost in their observations.

As the sun started to leave us, the meal started to wrap up. I didn't even know that so much time had passed us by. Lanhu bid me farewell and I was left in the last sun rays of the day.

I do not know what qualifies me

I do not know how to walk among aliens