no words to describe the mistakes that i have made, no words to describe the things I have done. I'm recounting the steps to see what I did wrong. and all the remains here is the ghost of my failure to never keep us whole, so now I'll just sit here. its comical how wrong and sad its all gotten. its too much to wonder how shes doing sometimes . I feel like Ella's death is one my hands and I would feel like hers would be too. I cut myself deep as punishment and out of self hate. sometimes the hate gets so hounding that I cannot handle a thing about it, my head aches inside and all I can do is hit myself and cry silently, alone in my own mess and alone in my head. except I'm not alone, the voice is there. she tells me exactly what I need to hear to push to end it, or to hurt my body. my thigh took what my mind and heart couldn't and even then it doesn't fucking help. I do it to sit in it because I know I deserved it. I'm not blind to that, I've had my karma. the universe sent me back exactly what I put out and I endured that, i still am. if she ever speaks to me again I hope she knows I am sorry, and I got what I deserved. maybe not in the ways she may have wanted me to hurt but it was in the ways I deserved. does she want me to hurt? I wouldn't blame her. not one bit. I have hurt the kindest people and loved and forgiven the most unkind and there is something seriously wrong with me. I hope deeply she speaks to me again. I don't know what I could offer her in her eyes, I don't know if she thinks I was ever truly helpful. I feel like i was useless to her, especially when she came to oregon I had nothing to give. and before that I'm not sure. work is lonely and it has been since she left. when I am alone here she creeps in and eats away at me.
