white tulips

Seven

My period came in and that meant for me staying home from school. I always had very bad cramps and I always regretted going to school on these days. That's why my mom and I decided I always get to stay at home the first two days so I could get enough rest and not die out of pain.

Of course that was a reason for me to be happy that I got my period but that also meant I couldn't pray and when I wasn't able to pray I felt depressed. Praying didn't feel like an obligation to me, it was therapy. The connection with my creator made my heart feel pure.

Even though my cramps were bad I still tried to be productive. I studied a little bit and tried to improve my punjabi skills. Growing up my parents teached me punjabi and I could speak it really well. But now that I'm older and have no pakistani friends who I can speak punjabi to, I guess I just have to learn by myself so I won't forget this beautiful language.

Time flies and I got a call. It was Grace. "Hii aren't you supposed to be in class right now?" "Yeah but I skipped last period. Mind if I come over?" "Yes of course. No one's home anyway." "Good, because I'm already in front of your house. Open the door." I laughed as I hung up the phone and went downstairs to open the door. Grace greeted me with a hug and we stayed in my room.

"Soo Khadi.. what was going on between you and Tae?" "What do you mean? You know we're just friends. Well, kind of." "Yeah, I remember you telling me this but I just can't figure out why I overheard someone talking about you and Tae crying together in our coffee shop.." "Oh. About that..", I stopped.

I sat myself straight so I could look at Grace. "Well I don't know how to explain. We met, with his sister, because he wanted me to answer him questions about Islam." "Okay. I still don't get why you both cried." "Oh yeah, I'm not sure if he wants anyone to know but he reverted and I helped him take his shahada."

"Oh my god." , Grace was filled with emotions, I think? I just looked at her not knowing what to say. "Don't you know what that means?" I shook my head as an answer. "Khadijah Khan, this man is in love with you." I couldn't believe that she would say that. "Grace, it's not like that. He just wanted me to do this with him because I was the reason he got interested in Islam."

"Girl, you know I love you but you are dumb as a rock. He told you that you were the reason he got interested?? You aren't the first muslim he met Khadijah, but you are the first to got his interest. Something about you made him interested. You are the reason he found the right religion for him. And he wanted you to be the person to do this step with. How blind can you be?"

Grace got a point but I just couldn't imagine Tae being in love with me. We were friends. Nothing more. It was a coincidence that I said these exact words to him. Otherwise I wouldn't have been the reason either he found his way to Islam. "Whatever, I don't want to talk about him anymore." I really didn't.

She looked annoyed but in a loving way. After that we just chilled and napped for a few hours until Hamza came back from school. I didn't wake up, but Grace surely did. I knew that because as soon as I woke up I saw them both talking and giggling about something. "What are you guys giggling about?", I asked. "Hamza just asked me why you and Tae were seen at the coffee shop, but don't worry, I explained everything."

I hated this small town. How come everyone knew about this so fast? But also I knew that this wasn't the only thing they were talking about. "Yeah yeah, Hamza, don't you have some homework to do?" "No actually I don-" I just took his arm and pushed him out of the room and closed the door. Then I looked at Grace and signaled her with my eyes that I did not approve of this. Well, I did, but not now. They're both too young and so am I.

It was time for Grace to go and that meant for me talking to Hamza. I didn't know how to start but I just opened my mouth. "So, about Tae-" He interrupted me. "Don't worry. Grace told me and I believe you both. I'm happy for Tae and I'm happy that you did something nice." Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I hugged my brother. He instantly hugged me back. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know, I feel so overwhelmed. My brain can't process the fact that he wanted me to take his shahada with. I've been sinning so much lately and I feel like anyone else would've been a better person to do this. I'm scared that he'll pick up on my sinning and that everything will be my fault." He let go of me and wiped my tears away. My stinky brother could be so cute and caring when he wanted to.

"Khadijah, you are the person to influence other people's lifes. You influenced Tae's life with the way you live. Don't you know how these little girls on the streets look at you? They're mesmerized by you. The way that you act outside is how a muslim should act and I don't a single reason why Tae shouldn't have wanted you to take his shahada with him. Understood?"

I nodded. And I cried even more. "What sins do you even mean? The listening to music? Or the swearing you do? We both know that's wrong, but that you're sinning is extremely normal, Khadi. Don't worry so much about your mistakes, focus on your good habits." I hugged him again and thanked him. "I am so happy to have you as my twin, Hamza. But I'm still the cooler one." "Pff you wish. Now wash your face and calm down."