"I'm not ever going fucking back there" I said screaming at my bestfriend. "She doesn't fucking care about me fuck this" I stopped answering my mums messages and walked back into the hospital.
Before
I can't fucking do this shit anymore. I can't fucking breathe. I just want the pain to go away. What do I do. I open kids helpline and start talking to them while pacing around the room. I can't do this. I need a smoke. Or a vape. I tell them how I want to rip my own skin off me. I tell them how disgusting I am and how I can't live with myself. Everything is so dark. I feel so empty.
they tell me I'm not safe. Of course I'm not safe I'm with myself. Barely breathing.
they tell me the police are coming. I frantically start cleaning. I call my bestfriend "please come".
She rushes over and I'm hysterically crying.
I hear a knock.
They walk in.
They ask me if I have anything sharp. I say yes. They try to take it off me. I don't let them it's my safe object keeps me safe. They ask why I called kids helpline I say I don't know. I wish they would leave. I start vaping in front of them. I don't care. They say life gets better. It doesnt not in this house. Not in my world.
They say an ambulance is coming. The male officer stays outside as I'm crying about my assault. I frantically start pacing again. I rip out my hair. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. They say the ambulance is taking to long I need hospital now. I get in police car. Still hysterical. They place me under a section. I can't escape. I'm trapped.
The hospital wait takes forever. The police still there.
Present.
My mum messages me "where r u"
I say "hospital"
She rings me
What are you doing at the hospital.?
I had an episode and i was talking to kidshelpline they sent the police and took me here I'm sorry
WHAT. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.
I'm sorry
I DONT CARE IVE HAD ENOUGH THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOUR SO SELFISH. ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOURSELF.
I hang up
She messages me
"How are you getting home, when are you coming home"
I don't respond I start having panic attack
"Ur not gonna respond. How fucking rude."
"I'm not ignoring you the nurse is talking to me I'll text u when I know something."
End text
"I'm never ever going back there." "She doesn't fucking care about me fuck this."
I go walk back into the hospital and my bestfriend holds my hand. I know she had to go soon but I wish she could stay.
I get a bed at the hospital and the police finally leave. I'm still hysterical so they give me lorazepam it makes me feel good. I like the feeling. I calm down and eventually fall asleep.
