A Mind of Many Voices

Yellow Brick Road

Ahhh the yellowing fucking brick road. Ive never really been a follow the leader type of person, and if im being honest im like a pet that listens to very FEW people. Ill follow along as long as it seems right and fair to do so, but sometimes god strike me now if im lying but i cant listen if my life depended on it let alone stay focused for long because i need to be back in my euphoric shell. Then when i get consumed by my shell i just go right back to the yellow brick road. I love people pleasing and doing my do diligence because it gives me the reassurance that i can help where help is needed and where help is wanted. The downside to my desire to help is when my help ends up just causing more problems, it makes me go stupid like i dont know what to do, freeze up or just straight up panic. With me my mind is funny, it can express and oppress emotions, it can sense the shift in energies or even alert me when something isn't right but it also can be blind as a a beetle and just flys around with out ANY type of situational awareness. Call it the cons of a pro if you will.... 0r stubborn selectiveness works too. Unfortunately i seem to only know how to control it if it brings me joy, "disturbs the peace" or if its just bothersome and plain fucking boring. What can i say i can get easily distracted as most of us do. I love the yellow brick road because thats where all the fun is. There's games, drinks, dancing, laughter, friends, family and sometimes we even drive down the road at various hours throughout the day and that is real joy and freedom as long as the peace is kept. With that being said sometimes i move too slow, too fast on my own or just stay on the road too long. When i have fun i don't know when its time for me to take a break because then what if the fun ends? What if the days later aren't as fun as that day? As the youngest i naturally have more energy at night than the others so i try and make the most of what time i have. Sometimes it gets me in trouble because while im still dancing to songs that remind me of fun times, everyone else is settling down. Sometimes i get too comfortable and thats because thats how comfortable the others have made me despite previous altercations. Me a clueless dingbat doesn't always notice when somethings may be too close for comfort in someone else's eyes when its really me not being in that quiet giggly shell everyone first meets me in. I feel like if i just get out my shell more and actually engage with others then i wont be seen as odd or standoffish but somehow its not processed by others and as far as me defending myself goes i can only try so hard when one doesn't believe me or my words get all mixed up due to irritation or because if i dont speak fast enough ill be talked over then come out in the most misread way. Which bring us to the good stuff....