Don't Listen In Secret || Joshua Hong

Euphoria

i feel happy.

i am not so sure about how i feel anymore but i am positive that this feeling is called happiness. 

joshua was sitting right next to me, closer and more comfortable than before as we watched a movie he suggested, 'to all the boys i've loved before'.

the movie was fun for sure but it was more fun to just have someone by my side. it may just be the fever but i was feeling warm.

i am sick.

i am not in my right mind.

what a good excuse to do something crazy.

jihye: can i - 

am i really doing this?

fuck hesitation. i have been doing that for too long.

jihye: can i rest my head on your shoulder?

joshua seemed taken aback but i just smiled sheepishly hoping that my intention looked innocent enough.

jihye: i am really tired because of the fever.

joshua: oh sure. you should definitely... do you want to hold my hand? since you know .. you are sick?

jihye: that would help.

i don't know where the confidence came from but i didn't feel any shyness. i linked my arm with joshua's and rested my head on his shoulder and we stayed like this, watching the movie like a couple. i felt so light and secure that even the sickness didn't seem to bother me that much anymore.

joshua: writing a letter to someone you loved seems like a very strange way to move on.

i hummed, feeling personally attacked. but my letter didn't get delivered to joshua at least. thank god i don't have a younger sister.

joshua: i had a first love like that too.

jihye: like what?

joshua: unrequited.

i tilted my head to look at joshua and he did the same. since my head was still on his shoulder, i had to look up to see his face and it was all i could see with the proximity.

jihye: unrequited?

joshua nodded with a hint of a smile on his face. i averted my eyes, turning my gaze to the screen once again.

who wouldn't love hong joshua?

joshua: she is the reason i am still in korea.

jihye: wow

my voice came out a little soulless but i was feeling a little jealous. i wish i could be so important to someone's life as well. i am more like a spare part in my family. my existence is important to them but that's where it stops.

joshua: i wanted to give up but then she came into my life like an angel. we met again when seventeen was about to debut, so i had to let go of her.

jihye: that's really sad.

joshua: you can't even pretend to be sad.

i looked up again with my brows furrowed defensively.

jihye: i am sad for you okay!

joshua chuckled at my aggressive tone. why would i feel sad if he didn't get that girl? 

joshua: okay.

i focused on the movie to divert my attention from the girl joshua called 'angel'. i was kind of disappointed. 

definitely not jealous.

seeing the movie made me wish i had a sweet love story like that too and i might have started drooling over peter kavinsky a little.

why weren't such boys in my school?

joshua: it seems like you like him.

i was about to refuse when i thought of something.

jihye: i love him. he is so handsome isn't he?

joshua bit his lip as if he was trying to come up with something to say but couldn't find it and i stifled a laughter.

joshua: lara jean is cute too.

yes. 

but i don't want to hear that. i pouted in secret as i couldn't really say anything else. he can find anyone cute. 

and as much as i would like to kick him out for that, i can't.

joshua: have you ever loved someone?

it was so sudden that i was at loss of words at first but i regained my composure soon. i kept my eyes at the screen.

jihye: it's my secret.

joshua giggled and i was wondering if i said wrong english. 

joshua: when did you become fluent in english?

jihye: i am learning.

joshua: cool. tell me what this mean then. did you fall from heaven?

did you fall from heaven?

for some reason, it struck a cord in my heart. as if something latent became conscious. i looked at joshua but this time he was leaning towards me as well. as i turned my head to look at him i could feel his nose brush against mine.

my heart was drumming. i could only see joshua's glimmering eyes. we stared at each other, i knew i should move away but i couldn't. 

it felt as if my heart was eager to let go of the burdens surrounding it. 

our breaths were mingling with each other, heating up the slim layer of air between us. joshua broke eye contact and his gaze turned towards my lips. very slowly joshua tilted his head and i closed my eyes, my heart pounding loudly inside my chest.

should i really do this?

we are nothing right now. am i really just gifting away my first kiss while being sick in my bed without even a confession?

it was as if joshua sensed my doubt. i opened my eyes as the warmth of his breath was replaced by the cold air. 

he wasn't exactly far but not as close as i wanted him to be. before i could get mad and kick him out of the planet earth, joshua inched closer again but this time to the side of my head.

joshua: let's take it slow

he whispered right into my ear and it sent shivers down my spine. all of sudden joshua pecked my cheek. i froze.

i could only see him smirk before leaving as i sat there with my heart beating uncontrollably and my face hot as fire itself.

i cupped my cheeks as the realization settled in. 

JOSHUA HONG KISSED ME!

on the cheek but it still counts.

i threw the blanket over my head as i giggled into my hands. my heart was fluttering non-stop. i have never felt this way before.

never. ever.

happiness isn't happy enough to describe it. 

it feels like i am in euphoria.

A/N:

first kiss should be special :)

i am not even close to my first kiss T-T my life is also slow burn 🙂