KOI NO YOKAN

CHAPTER SEVEN

There's no other emotion lingering in his voice or showing on his face, I don't have either.

I smiled when I realized what was happening to him and it brought peace to my heart. He wasn't even mad or annoyed whatsoever, he looked like he was genuinely just asking and telling all these things.

He looks so open-minded about the things that I will tell him right at the moment and I couldn't help but to tap him on the shoulder.

"Ask and keep on asking and it will be given to you; seek and keep on asking and you will find; knock and keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you." I breathed and I watched his lips parted.

"Is that a verse?"

"Matthew chapter seven verse seven."

He looks the same way as how I looked the first time I heard Kweslin tell me a bible verse. I smiled widely as I stared at him.

"Prayer works, Jathen, I'm not saying that it's a sin to blame and question Him, but you can also try asking Him about things that are happening to your life, ask Him if He really is punishing you, malay natin may iba pala ang dahilan bakit hindi ikaw ang pinakasalan."

"Ang sakit," he muttered.

"Truth hurts, at mas marami ka pang katotohanan na malalaman na mas masakit diyan," I heard him took a deep sigh.

"How did you do it? When did you know?" I pursed my lips and removed my eyes from him.

"Na-broken hearted din ako kagaya mo kaya nahanap ko siya, I wasn't really a big believer before, I prayed when it's convenient for me, I only prayed when I needed things when I wanted something, I treated Him like a genie before, someone who's mighty and all-knowing for granting wishes, I wasn't born like this." I felt my heart pounding not because I was scared of what I was about to say but because I was feeling happy and just excited to talk about Him.

"You were not?"

I could feel him staring at me intently and I had all his attention and that made me shy so I didn't bother looking at him again.

"I wasn't. I thought I had my all life figured out, I was doing my own will, I'm getting all the things I wanted, hinanap ko kung saan-saan at kung kani-kanino ang happiness na kailangan ng puso ko, I had a lot of people that I loved and none of them really satisfied me, I was loving new people when I couldn't even love myself. I tried to find peace and comfort to different things, mahilig din akong mag-party party noon, tambay din ako sa party. I thought I always needed a prince charming that will same me from the dragon's lair." natawa ako ng maalala ko lahat ng ginawa ko noon sa sarili ko.

"None of them work, hindi man ako nagkukulang sa pera at nakakakain man akong tatlong beses sa isang araw, hindi pa rin ako masaya, hindi pa rin ako kuntento. Depression, anxiety, worries, overthinking, self love deprivation, heartbreaks, all in cycle. Given also the fact that I don't have any guardians to really guide me, hindi ko kilala hapon kong tatay, namatay rin agad si Mommy and left me with Kweslin's family. I did all things by myself, I lived my teenage life by how I thought was right." I looked up to the sky and smiled a little when I saw a bird passing by.

"Someone told me that the only one who can satisfy a human heart is the one who made it," I closed my eyes and felt my heart burning.

"He called my attention by letting all things around me disappear and lose one by one. I was stripped of all the things that I can turn to to distract myself and accept the truth that I'm hurting, that I am not okay. I was left all alone, no amount of alcohol or friends around me was ever enough to calm the storm, none of them was good enough to pull me out of the water, and then someone reminded and kept calling me that there was one more left who never left, who can walk on water and so instead of helping me to distract myself that there is indeed a storm happening in me, He pulled me out from drawing and walked in the water with me." I opened my eyes and was greeted by a pretty blue sky.