Casually Cruel - TWD

30. What could've been.

I don't know who I'm writing to. Enid, Rosita. Anyone. They're not going to get this. I just need to feel like they are. I need to know that love still exists in this world, because it doesn't in the sanctuary.

I don't know why I'm writing. I found this stupid old book in one of the boxes. It's full of lists of supplies. I don't know why I'm writing on it. I just want to talk to someone. I feel like I'm going insane. I keep telling myself that I'm not, that I'm perfectly fine, but I'm not. Something inside of me died with Abraham, I'm sure of it because I don't feel the same at all. I feel like a different person. My brain doesn't work the same way anymore. The warmth that once used to wrap around me is gone and is replaced by the cold blood running through my veins.

I don't know what do to. I don't know if I need help. I'm safe physically, but I feel like I'm caught in the middle of a storm and everywhere I look there's something new happening. Everything has changed, and not for the better. It's all wrong. This is so wrong. This isn't how it's supposed to be.

I wonder if Abraham is in the same place as his kids. I hope he is. He deserves happiness, even though I couldn't give it to him. I hope they treat him better than I did, I hope they never tell him that they hate him. It's such a stupid word and I'll never say it to anyone I love ever again. I won't. I didn't think it would hurt this bad.

This world is so full of loss. It's weird how it still feels so unexpected, so sudden that it shakes everything. It's like a bunch of books, full of memories all being set alight at once. Then, all the memories are burnt, you can't see them clearly anymore. You can't touch the paper without it crumbling in your hand. They're not happy to look at anymore. In fact, they feel like a burden. For whatever reason, the bad ones are the only ones that survive.

I want Rosita. I want her to hug me and tell me that's it all going to be okay. I know it's not. I know she's lying. I don't know how she's doing right now. I hope she's okay, but it's pointless thinking about that because how could she be okay?

I don't know if it's selfish to want someone to comfort me, especially when they need comforting too.

I can't sleep at night. Every time I shut my eyes, I see it. I hear it. Even if I put my head in the pillow, it still echoes around in my mind. I can't explain it. It's like when you come out of a concert and you have a really loud ringing in your ears for the rest of the night. No matter what you do, somethings always there to remind you.

I don't think you'll ever see this. I don't really want you to. I don't want you to know about how awful I feel.

I just want to come home.

Eliza ripped the piece out of the book and shoved it in her pocket. She wanted to keep it for herself. Plus, she didn't want Negan finding it. She wanted it for the future, just incase she ever needed to remind herself of how she felt in this moment, proof that things could always be worse than whatever the future held.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. Don't panic. She couldn't start panicking. It wouldn't get her anywhere.

She knew that Negan was at Alexandria today. She wasn't sure if Negan had spoke to someone about it right outside her door on purpose, just to stir up the worry in her. Eliza didn't know what he was going to do. Was he going to kill more people? Take more people? Did Maggie ever make it to the Hilltop?

Eliza shivered as she sat on her bed. No blanket could keep her body warm, not the warmth she yearned for. All the food that she'd eaten was half an apple, which now lay rotting from the inside out on her bedside table.

"Eliza," she jolted at the loud bang of a bat against the metal door that held her captive. "You wanna know all about my little trip to Alexandria?"

"I'd rather you leave me the hell alone," Eliza snapped. She was done with it all. Done with Negan's bullshit, his lies.

"Had a kid that wouldn't stop glaring at me today, didn't catch his name. You know him?"

Toby. Oh, god. Toby and Caleb had lost Abraham too. And they couldn't even see Eliza, and she didn't know how they were doing.

"Maybe," Eliza whispered.

"Your sick friend. What was her name? Maggie?"

Eliza's ears snapped up. Had Maggie made it to the Hilltop or did they take her back to Alexandria? Had Negan taken her to? Had they lost more people?

Despite everything in her telling her not to, she answered him with a hoarse voice. "Yeah."

"Yeah, well. She's with her husband now. Both of 'em. Dead, gone, buried. However you wanna say it. A shame, really," Negan tutted as if he really cared.

The lungs that Eliza could once use to breathe barely worked anymore. It felt like all the time, she was on the edge of just dying. Her chest constantly felt tight, and the only way to break through the knot was to let out a sob, a hand to her chest as the rest of the tears came silently.

"Why do you hate me now?"

It was a funny question, really. Eliza didn't care if Negan hated her. No matter how much he liked her, her feelings were set in stone about him. Hatred. Nasty, poisonous hatred.

At least if Negan asked Eliza that question, she had a reasonable answer.

You killed the one man I could see a father in.

"I don't hate you, Eliza," Negan's voice sounded tender, but Eliza still heard it like a snakes hiss. "Your people do shit, your people pay the price."

Eliza scowled at the door. "It could've been me," she said to Negan. "It should've been me," she said to herself.

"Eliza, even if I could do it over again, I'd do the exact same thing," God, his words were hateful. He hated two men he didn't even know. Two good men. The first two good men Eliza put her trust in in a long time. Glenn was the one to be by Eliza's side in that truck, Abraham was the one to save her. "But, you know, I can't. So you just think about what could've been."

What could've been.

Maggie, Glenn and their baby could've lived peacefully, but now all three of them were dead.

Abraham, Rosita and their baby could've lived peacefully, but now he was dead, she was alone, and their baby had lost herself.

🦋🦋🦋

good god I think I just broke my own heart

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