Shadows of the Mind

Shadows of Comfort

Shadows of Comfort

I've always been the type who sticks with what she knows. My daily routine is much like a path in the woods that's well-trodden—familiar, safe, and predictable. I know every bend in the road, each bump. It's comfortable, like cocooning myself in an old blanket.

Yet, the idea of stepping out of my comfort zone—well, it scares the life out of me. Not that I want so little out of life, dear Lord, please. I dream of going to unknown places, seeing new faces, trying something which has been tight in my nerves all this while. Immediately, such thoughts are overridden by something colder and darker. Fear, perhaps. Just like this heavy weight that will not let loose.

It's the unknown that really gets to me. Putting myself out there, being vulnerable to failure or just looking stupid in front of others, starts my heart racing in all sorts of wrong ways. What if I'm not good enough? What if I mess up and everyone sees? These thoughts just go on and on inside my head, trapping me inside this little, safe bubble I've created.

I have tried myself a few times, really tried—tried to break away from this place where I feel so terribly stuck. Sometimes, I almost did do it—felt maybe, just maybe, I could step out and try something new. But right then, at the last second, comes the doubt. It feels like an oncoming storm, out of blue skies, with a downpour of anxiety, soaking all my confidence. So I retreat back to what I know and tell myself it's just not the right time. I'll try again later, I promise myself. But that "later" never seems to come.

I just can't help but envy the ones who seem to skate across the surface of life, taking chances and making changes without so much as another breath. It all seems so easy, second nature, in its own right. I wonder what that is like, living like that means staring fear in the face and moving on, coming out the other side stronger, more confident in who you are.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get there. If there is another version of me, someplace deep inside, that isn't scared, that has the guts to sidestep off this safe and predictable path and venture into the unknown. I want to believe that there is. I want to believe that someday I'll find the nerve to take that leap.

But for now, I'm still here, wrapped inside my comfort zone, where everything is familiar and nothing really changes. It's not a place I want to stay forever, but for now, it's where I feel safe. And for now, that's enough.

—Lady_Perrila