Shadows of the Mind

The World Moves On

The World Moves On

I see the world moving around me, and the river of faces and dreams rushes forward while I am rooted in place. It's a strange feeling, being surrounded by movement but feeling utterly still. My friends, once so close, have taken the steps that I haven't yet made, their lives weaving into such tapestries—success, adventure, growth—while I find myself tangled in threads of doubt and inertia.

I used to believe that time was always on my side and that there was all the space it would take in the world to figure things out. Now, as I scroll through social media feeds full of milestones—awards, adventures, accomplishments—I can't help but feel the weight of each step I've missed. The distance between them and me widens with each passing day, a chasm that I fear will one day be too wide to cross.

Every conversation with them seems to underline just how far ahead they've gone. They talk about their careers, travels, and plans for the future. Meanwhile, I nod along as best I can and pretend to feel excited, though inside of me, I'm quite empty. I want to be happy for them. I mean, I am, but there's still this voice inside my head that doesn't seem to pipe down. You're falling behind. It's as if there's a constant echo in my mind, resounding over and over again with my fears and insecurities, wondering if the choices I made were worth it.

I find myself pitting their path against mine, questioning the choices I didn't make and the risks I didn't take. This is pretty tiring, all this mental balancing of where I think I should be and where I really am, and the more I go into it, the more I tend to lose sight of the things I really want. My dreams look really mild when compared to the vibrant lives of others around me.

Every now and then, I wonder if they notice: do they see how my smile momentarily falters when they're sharing all their latest accomplishments, or do they catch that flash of hesitation in my eyes when they ask me what I've been doing with my time? I think that one day they would outgrow me and our disappeared friendships would become a relic of a time when we all were on the same page.

But most of all, it is troubling because this sense of being left behind, like I'm being passed by, somehow translates in my jaded mind to I am nothing: I've failed to keep up with the pace of my life, I'd imagined for myself, and that was never going to fail. It is a very heavy burden to have, needing to carry such a fear of inadequacy, and sometimes, quite frankly, I can't help but feel that it crushes me.

But, there remains this small, stubborn bit to it. It whispers back to the doubt, telling me life isn't a race and that everyone moves at their own pace, and I try to hold on to that thought, remind myself that just because my path looks different doesn't mean it's any less valid, I find it hard to believe, though, when the world seems to sprint ahead while I am stuck here, struggling to take even one step forward.

Maybe one of these days, I will find my stride again. Maybe I will look back with hindsight and realize that it was just another one of those phases, one of those momentary pauses before pulling my boot straps up for the journey ahead. For now, here I am, standing on the sidelines, surveying as the world moves forward, hoping against hope that I find the strength to re-enter the flow.

—Lady_Perrila