Shadows of the Mind

The World Moves On II

The World Moves On II

Some days make it almost impossible not to feel left behind. It catches me in all those very quiet moments, perhaps when I am alone or lost in thought or at times when the hustle and bustle of life is slow enough to take stock of where I am. Then the silence becomes very loud, and the emptiness, which most of the time I strive to ignore, becomes impossible to escape.

I see them, my friends, my peers, all moving with a purpose. Their lives are full of plans, goals, and accomplishments. They are ticking boxes and hitting milestones while pressing on in a confident manner that eludes me. Meanwhile, here I am—stuck, living in some sort of time loop where the days blend together, never finding a way to break the cycle.

I tell myself everybody has their own way, life isn't supposed to be a straight line. But then, seeing others move on makes it hard not to feel that I'm the only one who's lost the map. Those opportunities I let slip through my fingers, the risks I was too afraid to take, they all come to haunt me as something that could have been.

I sometimes make a great effort to catch up with the rhythm of life, along with everybody else. I make plans and set goals, telling myself this time it is different. And most of the time, I fail. The motivation ebbs, doubts resurface in my head, and I am left even more defeated than ever. It is like quicksand: the harder you struggle to get out of it, the further you sink into it.

Then there are those moments, when their eyes shine with happiness, or I hear something in their voices that is pride, and I just can't help but wonder if I will ever feel that way again. I miss those days of confidence, sure that prospects for the future were bright. Nowadays, it just seems I chase shadows around, trying to grasp onto something that always is a hairsbreadth out of reach.

Worst of all is the loneliness. I can be surrounded by people, but I continue feeling like I'm outside some circle that everybody else belongs to. They talk of their lives, their successes, their dreams, and I just listen. I can't relate. I try to join in, to share my own experiences, but they always seem so small in comparison, so inconsequential. I laugh, nod, say the right things, all the while I am drowning in my own inadequacy within.

Sometimes it comes across my mind to just give up and maybe take it that this is all one could expect from me. Maybe I am condemned to watch others succeed while I keep my head above water. But then I think about what it would mean, what it would be like to give up on the hope that things could have been different. And I realize that no matter how much this hurts, no matter how much this feels like abandonment, I just can't seem to bring myself to give up yet.

Part of me still, deep down inside, believes in something better. Something that says, 'No, this can't be it.' I don't know how or when, or even if at all, it is going to happen, but I still hold on to hope that one day I will find my way again. That I'll rediscover my passion, my purpose, and that what has been blurry will come into focus—the life I've longed for.

For now, though, I'm still searching, trying to figure out who I am and where I fit. It's a long, painful process, and some days it feels like I'm getting absolutely nowhere. Still, even in the darkness, I am not without the hope that this isn't the end of the road. That somewhere down the line, I'll find my way back onto the path I'm meant to follow.

Maybe then, when I am far enough away, I shall be able to look back on this time and see it for what it really is—a chapter, not the whole story. One of those moments of stillness before the storm, a pause before the next great leap. But until that day comes, I'll keep moving forward—one small step at a time—despite the feeling that the rest of the world is leaving me behind.

—Lady_Perrila