if he was mine

Wrong confessions

R I A

When Luis comes round the house, I regret even existing. I avoid all eye contact with him, knowing I said something I really shouldn't have yesterday. The thing is, I couldn't remember what.
"Ria, what's up with you?" My Mam inspects me.
"Nothing, Mam." Well I could only thank Miggy for making me that hangover smoothie.
"Why aren't you eating?" She looks down at my pasta and then up at me still with a quizzical look on her face.
"I'm just not hungry." I try not to lose my patience as my cheeks flush red and I feel Luis' gaze on me once more.
"What happened at the party anyway?" She looks around at Miggy, Luis and I.
We all start fidgeting, looking in different directions.
"Just like all the others, Mam." Miggy states. "Anyway, shouldn't the others be here?"
"No, you know Alexa is picking up Isabella and Dave is looking after August while he sleeps." She furrows her brows at her eldest. "You guys are being really weird."
"We are?" I croak.
"Yes, you all are." My Mam tuts and takes away her plate to the kitchen. Miguel draws his chair back and follows suit. It was just Luis and I left and I couldn't help but wrack my brain to try remember what I had said. It was so fucking awkward and I didn't know what to do. He was staring at me whilst furrowing his brows, deep in thought.
"What?" I ask him to try get it over with.
"Nothing. Don't worry." He replies unconvincingly.

It took me the whole washing up period to figure out what I had said.
You are so hot when you are mad.
You're with Char and not me.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm actually fucked. Slamming the dishes back in the sink, I strip off my gloves. Unlocking my house door, I walk over the street to my neighbour's house and let myself in.
"Luis?" I call out running up the stairs.
"You there?" I prepare myself for the shit show that is going to happen.
"Luis!"
"Whoa, whoa. Calm down." He laughs and then immediately stops as he remembers to be awkward.
"Hey." I say as I step into his room. I had never been inside his room before and yes it smelt of so much deodorant. I scanned the room spotting magazines of skinny, tanned women on the front covers. Clothes were piled everywhere and anywhere. And when I looked closely I could have sworn I saw some condom wrappers.
"Hi?" He looks back down at the CD he was holding.
"I need to talk to you." I huff and immediately go red as I try to find somewhere to sit that didn't have any mess.
"Is this the first time you've been in my room or something? You are looking at it like it is poison."
"Yeah. It is." I drool.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" He rolls his eyes, choosing not to verbally respond to my remark.
"About yesterday." I start looking anywhere but his face. "I was drunk and drugged. I didn't know what I was saying and I didn't even think." Doesn't mean I didn't mean it. "Can we just pretend like that didn't happen. For our sake?" I push it as he looks wearily at me.
"Are you okay though?" Was the first thing he said after my ramble.
"I am okay now. Just a bit tired and dizzy."
"Then that's all that matters." He raises an eyebrow and cocks his head to the side. "Besides you're my baby sis and that would just be wrong on a whole nother level."
"Yeah." I laugh, mentally kicking myself.
Well kill me now.

"Hey." My older brother catches my arm when I try to walk past him on the stairs. "Wanna talk about it?"
"It's okay." I sigh.
"You sure? What happened yesterday was not right." He urges me with his eyes.
"Yeah but what can we do about it?"
"Press charges, Ria."
"No. I don't want to worry Mam or anything." I say, pulling my arm back. "But thanks anyway, Miggy." I smile up at him.
"Tell me if you ever want to talk about it." He softly smiles back at me.