Staring Over

Chapter 1

I never thought this would be life. I never thought after almost 15 years of marriage, my husband, my high school sweetheart would emotionally cheat and put the blame on me. I never would have imagined he would do this to us, to our family, and yet It's happening. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch him in the face and ask how he could and yet I can't because I know he would just say it's my fault. After everything we have been through, after his ex-caused us to lose our first baby and tried to separate us numerous times, after me walking away from my family for him, after being homeless with him, after supporting him while he got himself clean and worked from job to job until he finally got his career, after everything he could do this to us. What was the point in being reunited and going through two miracle births if he was just going to cheat and break apart our family? What was the point in all of this?

Now I am questioning everything. Did he ever love me? Was it all a lie? How could he look me in the face and tell me that my anxiety and depression would never come between us if he was just going to use it as an excuse to talk to another woman? How could he lie to my face about her and tell me she was just a friend? What was the point in being reunited if we were not meant to be? Did he ever think that my depression and anxiety were caused by the way he treated me? I begged for years for help, and he just made it seem like I was being dramatic. Hell, I would ask for a break from the children and he would just leave or barely acknowledge them, and they would still come to me for something. How could I just allow him to keep treating me this way for so long? How could I not see his toxicity, narcissism, manipulation, and control for so long? I guess that saying that love makes you blind really is true.

Oh well, I can't stay with someone that no longer loves me. I take it back I WON'T stay with someone that no longer loves me. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I have to think of my children, and I don't want them to think this kind of family is the one to have. They deserve to have both parents happy and with someone that will make them happy, even if it is with other people. They are smart, they know that their father cheated, even if he tries to say emotional cheating is not a real thing, and they have seen me try and try and try to make this work. They have seen me cry over their father too many times to count and now they are going to see me rise above this heartbreak and become a better person for it.

I don't understand how he could go from walking away from a nearly 15-year marriage to someone else so quickly. Does he not see that he is breaking apart our family? Does that mean anything to him? What about our vows to one another? How could he break those so easily? Did he ever even mean them? How could SHE do this to us? She KNEW he was married and still did it! They CHOSE to ruin a family!

Oh well, karma will come back on them tenfold eventually. He will have to face the reality that his children will one day possibly not want anything to do with him because he broke their mother's heart, and his girlfriend was the cause of it. I hope she was worth it. I hope she's happy with a five-minute man that doesn't care about the other person's pleasure only his one and that he's a one time then done man. That being said, I can honestly say I never faked it, never in almost 15 years and he knew of each and every time I didn't finish like him. Guess that was my heart trying to tell me he wasn't the one, he only cared about himself, and I just refused because I fully believed we were reunited for a reason, and we loved one another.

Guess there was a reason I couldn't tell him everything, they say to marry your best friend, marry the person you can tell anything and everything to, and I didn't listen. There are secrets he doesn't know about, and I can't tell him because I know he will make me feel ridiculous about them. I should be able to tell my husband everything and I can't, that must mean something.

I just can't believe I gave up so much for him and now I have to start all over with practically nothing. Thank fucking goodness I still have some family that will help me through this, and I just have to believe that I will come out stronger and better than ever.

I guess if I'm going to go through this, I need to start at the very beginning and just spill everything I can remember. Alright, story time folks and fair warning it's not an easy story to tell. There are dark times ahead and some very dark times too. I can only hope that there will be a happy ending in the future but as of right now, I just don't know.

You have been warned, if you are still here, then here it goes: