Shadows of the Mind

Lost in the Uncertainty: A Search for Purpose

Lost in the Uncertainty: A Search for Purpose

I've always been the kind of person who overthinks everything, the one who wakes at 3 a.m. with my head racing, trying to untangle the knot that is my own thoughts. I wish I could be one of these people who definitely knew what they wanted out of life in order to go for it straight. But then, maybe I'm not. The truth is, I don't -and that fact terrifies me.

Every day begins to feel like the world is spinning just a little bit faster and that I am at a standstill; unable to move forward in my life because of indecision. All around, the friends from school are carrying on with their careers, their relationships, their lives; the things they're passionate about they talk so definitively of, voices laced with that glimmer of excitement for the future. But when it is my turn, I feel like I am an impostor, interested in what is discussed because, deep inside, I do not have the same fire and belief.

Not that I have no interests; I do. I have dabbled in so many things, from painting to coding, writing to hiking, and nothing seems to stick. I get so bored or frustrated or just lost somewhere in the middle of it all, not knowing if this is the thing I was supposed to pour all my energy into. I try to look ahead to my future, but the picture's always fuzzy-like a photograph taken when somebody just walked in front of the camera.

Some nights, the fear grips me so tight I can't even breathe. I lay there, staring at the ceiling, eaten up inside by the thought that I may never figure it out, that I may just drift through life, half-assing my way because I never found the one thing worth doing fully. Then what? Will I wake up one day, years from now, full of regret for the things I did not choose, the chances I did not take? Or worse, will I wake up and realize that I never made any real choices at all, just floated along with whatever came my way?

Some of my friends tried to understand it, but how should I explain this type of fear to one who had never had a feeling like this? Of course they were well-meaning, telling me I had all the time in the world, that at my age I should expect that not all the answers would come easily. Yet, somehow, their words are only superficially consolationary. That underlying anxiety never really gets away from deep inside me, as I know that time keeps ticking away and that every passing day without a clear direction feels like a small failure.

My parents don't get it. They come from a different time, a different mindset. In their world, everything is about settling: finding that good job, settling, and making the most of it. They'd tell me stories of how they worked up to the very top, how they made sacrifices so that I could see this world, how proud they were. it was all in their eyes. Instead of inspiring me from their history, I am filled with dread. What if I can't live up to that? And then, what if I never find a thing that makes me feel that kind of pride? It's a thought not to be borne.

I distract myself, plunge headfirst into piles of work, dabble in hobbies, do anything that will keep my mind preoccupied. But there's always that one moment, that period of time where I'm just generally alone with my thoughts, where it sneaks back in: the intruder, the unwanted guest. When or if I will ever be free of it, or if I will ever find that one thing that by its very nature lets everything else fade into the background.

Sometimes I envy people who seem to have their lives all in place. I look at them and feel a little proud and a little jealous, hoping I can feel the same confidence, that same zeal for life. But no, I just feel hollow; it makes me feel like I'm missing a part of me, something desperately in search of, yet unable to find.

There are days when I think about giving up, just choosing something-anything-and sticking with it, even if it doesn't feel right. Maybe the certainty will come later, I tell myself. Maybe I will learn to love it, to be passionate about it. But, in its deepest sense, I know this is not the way one does it. For one, passion is not something that one pushes into existence. There either is or is not, and unfeigned posture won't make it real.

So I keep searching, hoping that finally I will stumble upon that thing that will make it all make sense. But until then, the fear remains, a constant companion, which I cannot seem to shake, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could tell you that I am close, that I have had some kind of breakthrough, some sort of epiphany. But I haven't. I still wander lost, ever searching, and afraid.

But maybe that is okay. Maybe it is fine not to have all the answers or be sure. Perhaps the journey is what matters, not the destination. I don't know. I really don't. What I do know is that I have to keep going, keep searching, keep trying to piece it together, when it seems impossible. The other alternative is giving up, resigning myself to a life of uncertainty and fear-but even being more scared of that, I guess. I'll continue, take uncertain steps in the hope that one fine day I'll at last get what I'm trying to find.

-Lady_Perrila

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To my friend Z

Embrace the uncertainty, trust in your journey, and remember-it's okay not to have all the answers right now; the path will reveal itself in time.

This one is dedicated to you:)