17 Dreams

Chapter 10: Revisit The Past

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories - Steven Wright

(This dream is different from the others. Enjoy!)

I felt myself slowly fade into the wonders of dreams. I felt lighter, more calm, more stable than I've ever felt before. I slowly opened my eyes and found myself in my old room, I'm...I'm back in Sacramento. I looked out my bedroom window. I remember the nights I would look out that window, hoping to see the 1 person I hold dear to. But he wasn't there. I moved the blanket aside and saw that I was still wearing the clothes I wore before I fell asleep.

"Jake? Claire?"

I got out of bed and opened the door. I saw nothing in the halls. I took 1 step forward and was immediately met with a little girl. She was running like hell and closed my bedroom door. She looked about 5 and then a large man came in. He walked right past me as if I didn't exist. He was banging on the door.

"South, you little bitch! Open this damn door!"

"Dad?"

I remember that day. Dad was mad because I dropped a glass cup. All I wanted was milk.

"Daddy, I'm sorry! I just wanted some milk! I didn't mean to drop the glass!"

That was the day I'll never forget, the day he first hit me. The door broke and I saw 5 year old me, crying and begging in fear. I couldn't watch. That memory soon faded into mist. I was so scared that night. It was an honest mistake. I broke a glass, like any other kid does. I walked to my dad's bedroom. I opened the door and saw my dad having sex with a woman.

"South! Close the door!"

I turned around and saw me again, but I was older. I was 8 this time. My hair was long, but I don't remember my hair being long when I was 8. I was just standing there, not moving, watching my dad fuck this girl. I didn't look disgusted, or shocked, or amused. I looked so...lost and alone. Was it because I was 8 and didn't know what sex was? Or was it because I knew I would be punished? I watched my dad get up and walked towards me. He didn't even bother covering himself up. I looked at the woman and saw she had a smirk on. She didn't help me. I followed my dad to a closet. He opened the door, but before he could do anything else he opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors. I saw 8 year old me not blinking an eye, like I was prepared for what was about to happen next. My dad grabbed my hair with force and just started cutting my hair. I just...stood there and let it happen.

"Maybe you'll learn next time."

My dad said and then pushed me into the closet. I fell to the hard floor and watched him as he locked the closet. Soon that memory faded into mist. Why do they fade every time I start to remember those memories? I walked into the living room next, and saw my dad in his chair drinking beer and watching tv like he used to. I heard the door open and saw 12 year old me walk in.

"Hey, bitch! Get me another beer."

I watched as I just got him the beer without complaining. I guess after the years of abuse I stopped fighting. There was no point in arguing. Whatever my dad wanted, he got. The more I think about it, I don't think I never argued because I knew he would win. I think it was because deep down, I was terrified of him. I knew at a young age that 1 wrong move and my dad would hit me. So I tried to keep him happy. I did everything to keep him happy. I gave him beer, I cooked his meals, I did his laundry. But it still wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make him love me. Nothing I did made him love me. Not doing whatever he wanted and not doing good in school. So I just stopped caring. I stopped caring altogether. I stopped caring about getting my dad's love, I stopped caring about what everyone thought about me, and I stopped caring that there was 1 person that truly loved me. Why am I even here? Should I just go? I was walking towards the door when a bunch of me's surrounded me, all different ages. Starting from the age of 4 to the age of 16.

"Look, I don't want any trouble. I just want to go home."

"You are home."

I turned around and saw my dad, holding a baseball bat.

"This is where you belong, South. Here, with me, in Sacramento."

"You never appreciated me. I was just your punching bag. I wanted you to love me so bad that I did everything you wanted. From cooking your meals to getting good grades, but it wasn't enough. Nothing I did was enough."

"You're still weak. You always were. Why do you think you never fought back? Because you were too weak and scared."

"I may have been scared, but I was strong enough to not fight you. Because that would make you a winner."

"You don't get to win this time."

My dad charged at me with the baseball bat and without thinking, I said what I should've said when they took him away.

"I forgive you!"

He stopped just as he was about to hit me.

"What?"

"I-I forgive you. I know it wasn't easy, I know that now. You were stuck raising a kid that wasn't yours. Every time you looked at me, I just reminded you of Mom. I was just a reminder of the woman who betrayed you, who betrayed us. She didn't just betray you. She...she also betrayed me. She left me. I never got to experience a mother's love. But you can't hold her mistakes against me. But regardless of everything, I forgive you."

"You became a real pussy ever since you met Jake."

"I know. But that's what love is, right? Showing your soft side. And that's what Mom wanted with you. She wanted you to be sweet and gentle, like the man you were before. She wanted the man she fell in love with back, but she didn't know that he was long gone. You know what they say, 'lights are on, but no one's home'."

A tear rolled down my cheek and I didn't even think twice when I started walking towards him and wrapped my arms around. I hugged him tight. I could tell he was confused. We never hugged once in our lives. We were too dysfunctional for hugs and kisses, but I knew that at one point in my life I was going to have to confront my demons. My step father was just the first one on the list.

"I love you, Dad."

"I-I-I love-"

"It's ok, I know. I know you do."

I let go and everything around us started to fade.

"I know it seemed like I didn't pay attention to things, but Jason is too dangerous for you to take on alone."

"I won't be alone."

"You can't defeat him."

"Then you better wish me luck."

Soon he started to fade and I knew. I knew this was just the start of confronting what I feared most. I must confront him. I must confront Jason Ambrose.