TWs: S/h | S/A
This is a vent to talk about my emotions. If the talk about mix emotions/ mood swings or the TWs bother you, please leave. Thank you.
Have you ever felt like you were on cloud 9 or even above 9, you're smiling and laughing. You feel happy. That's what happiness feels like. But gravity takes over. Ruining the moment. The force of gravity makes you drop under all the clouds. Storms of the century are under those clouds. What do you feel now? Scared, sad, maybe worried? It's the depression you could be feeling.
Emotions
Everyone had experience that or maybe it is right now. I know I'm on my swing. When I was little i never thought anything in my life would be hell for me. My mother tried her best. My father tried. But they've also done things that I've felt sad. Maybe even beyond sad. When I get that sad I'd bite or scratch myself but stopped when I got yelled at by my grandmother saying "what are you trying to do? Be your mother? That's all I need to another one down." It tears me further. I don't want to be my mom. She's a great person but I understand she has issues but it's hard. I loved drawing and even drawn my littlest pet shop pets. But also I would draw my character sad or even use a red mark to indicate my pain on her wrists. They didn't suspect anything. They just thought it's normal. But they grew more suspected when they saw my character with a bloody knife and in her own blood. They talked to me about it but they just threw those drawings away. You had to know I was hurting. "It's the Internet. You're so influenced." The Internet didn't show me sad shit and taught me how to hurt myself. I wish I could hug myself. I was in pain when I was little and still am. At age 12 is when I almost fell into a depression. A friend of mine. A "friend". She shown me so much. I liked her to be honest. But that one question haunts me. "Do you like roleplay?" How my trauma happened. She'd use me for her own pleasure. Grabbed me and force me down when i didn't contest it. I faked it if anything. She scared me. I didn't feel like I was better than her. "She'll leave you, she doesn't deserve you." A voice would say. "she just wants you for her own pleasure you know. She only wants your body." Red is a beautiful color. It's bright and bold. I saw the color on my arms. The transparent blue in my eyes, flowing down ever so peaceful. The red running down like a lazy river. What are you feeling now? I feel at ease I would say to myself. I feel so much at ease. I didn't believe it. The next day was more hell. I ignored her. She caused stress. I just wanted to go away. "She'll find someone better than you." It stung like a wasp. "It's funny how you're this pathetic. It's laughable you're staying with her." I broke down like a broken vase. I realized I'm just ruining myself. I managed to leave that relationship. I'm still trying to glue my pieces together. The pieces are hard to put on. I meet I girl. I was her friend. She made me feel shitty. "You're a horrible friend." I imagine her friends saying that to me. "She's better than you." They said in a chant. "Nobody deserves you." I snapped. I wasn't in a good mental state. None of them cared. They'd scoff at me or think I'm just being a dramatic bitch. They wouldn't be laughing if they seen be hanging. They wouldn't be laughing if they saw the note. I wished that karma got the best of them. Which it did. People seen how problematic she was. It makes me smile that people sees it. I was laughing manically when she quited. What am I feeling now? I feel happy but not satisfied yet. I still hate her. I want her to disappear fully. And now I'm still healing. Unfortunately Fritz, my character, reminds me of that time. It's only when I draw him in his old style with his black hoodie. The black hoodie symbolizes my sadness. I purposely draw Fritz with baggy eyes to show how stress he was. He is me.. nobody would care for me. But if it's a cartoon elf maybe some people would notice. Nobody did. I've changed him so much though. I do sometimes draw bags under his eyes to show he's stressed but also sometimes I'll draw him in his old hoodie.
Some days he's back to his old style. Some days he's wearing his crop top, his not connecting sleeves and sometimes add earrings onto him. I questioned myself. "Why am I like this." I need answers but answers were never accurate. Maybe soon I'll figure it out..
