Letters From The Damaged

To My Father

Childhood....Did I have one?

To Dad,

Let's start with when I was a child. I think it's easier to put years of mental hurt, abuse and pain in the structure of a timeline. The memory that sticks out for me the most would have to be being the fairest of your children. You're beautiful dark skinned and I understand if back in your days that was seen as below the beauty standard. I understand that you grew up in a terrible situation, grandad was out marrying someone every week or month trying to bring home his new wives whilst you and your five siblings had to fend for yourselves. I know that community was important in your times and everyone you invested in ended up stabbing you in the back, this is probably where your trust issues started when you faced the world as a twelve year old boy working as a mechanic to feed your siblings. Your older brother was also with you but not working. He seemed to like relying on people and I guess that's why to this day, he is still not independent in certain matters. I know you fell in love with my mother when you saw her smile, you were both young and she was only fifteen but very aware of her beauty and the effects she had on men was something she was exploring.

I know you both fooled around and by then dad, both your parents had passed away, you again faced difficult times, life was not kind to you. You had a baby sister who died after birth along with your mother and a father who later died in your arms climbing back down from a coconut tree that itself must've been terribly traumatizing and you went through this in such a difficult time where mental health was a stigma back in those days so you didn't get to reach out for it. You probably shoved those feelings down like your father was told to do and his father told him to do and so on. You see.... I understand that men showing emotion is a weakness. Even now. I understand you were forced to be an adult from such a young age, I understand you had to sacrifice your childhood for poverty, hunger, and looking after siblings when you were a child yourself. I get it dad, I really do.

When you and mum were caught in your little bubble of flirtation and hook ups, I'm sure you didn't think it would be that big of a deal. To your family, my mum's older sister was promised to your older brother, never in a million years did they think you guys would hook up, and then never in a million years did any of you think mum would fall pregnant with your eldest son before marriage. You probably thought a million things at the time as a 16 year old boy. You probably thought this was a mistake, it was just a one time thing, she should just abort it. You probably thought, wait this is a good thing, this means it was destined by god that I father a child of a woman who's got British citizenship. After years of going hungry and sometimes having fried onions with rice because that's all you could afford, this must've seemed like your ticket out and to help your younger sisters. Lets not forget your older brother who is now in London whilst you have been forced to marry by illegitimate pregnancy barely gives you and your sisters a thought. One good thing I guess that grandad did was marrying off your older sister before he died.

The only thing I wish was common back then is really and truly seeing what kind of family your child is going into. See, little did you know your older sister was going through the most horrific abuse, mental, physical, emotional. So she used to tire of that and bring her sister in laws with her to her peace, her sanctuary that she's always known as home. Back to her dad's and her sister in laws followed her. To you that was pressurizing knowing you had absolutely nothing to feed your sisters let alone her and her sister in laws. You must've felt so frustrated, you must have felt so angry and because culture dictates respect towards your elders you didn't breathe one wrong word in her direction for fear of god cursing you.

Let's not forget the star of your life, your step mother and your half siblings. Your step mother threw food bowls at you and you still loved her, your half siblings wanted to get along with you all but they had hate towards you too, see they were jealous that you all came first instead of them. This means you had more right to property and wealth that grandad had left before them. But you dad, are so naive you loved them with all your heart. You loved all the wrong people with all your heart, including my mother. Yes I said it, I don't think what you and mum had from the very beginning was ever love. It was a misconstrued idea of it. You were bound together because of the son you both now have grown to hate and he's torn you apart. Isn't it funny? The thing that brought you both to be married in the eyes of god, has damaged so much of you both, you despise each other to the point you both don't care about each other anymore. It is because you both are still in this old society cultural mind that you couldn't even divorce each other. Not even when you first laid hands on mum. Even then, her mother, the only parent you had ever known since your own parents died, told her daughter these things are normal. It is considered a blessing to be abused by your husband in the eyes of god. How she quickly perverted our religion. How she quickly ruined not just two lives, but the lives of your children. I sometimes wonder if after everything both you and mum had done whilst we were born and growing up you somehow thought we'd be a normal family. Normal children. Happy children.