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If only...

A wedding so white and graceful it could blind you. Petals flowed around the newly wedded couple. Tears of happiness filled Hinako's gleaming olive green eyes, eyes that Kazui knew he'd see for the rest of his life.

If only her heart would change.

One night after another, we'd dance the fragile dance that is our 'perfect' relationship. I shower her with my words of praise. That sticky-sweet sentence of 'I love you' rolls off her tongue as I've heard it do so many times before. All those things I wanna do that I can't say out loud, I must keep it inside and act. It's a shame. Soon her glass empties as it does every night, then the creaking sound of the floorboards as she walks to bed, I as well get up. dishes clatter in the sink, I feel the warm water running down my hands. Soon the silver of the forks are shining clean, like the ever so bothersome ring on my finger. Then comes the most relaxing time of the day. At this point it's like muscle memory, walking towards the entrance of our humble house, slipping my black low top shoes, and my soft gray overcoat. Slowly I strode to the car outside the house, looking up to the balcony of the bedroom. That's when I felt my gut twist, something ominous looming. But I brushed it off as mere paranoia, something I'm all too familiar with. I rest my hands on the leather steering wheel, moving them in a slow, rhythmic manner. My foot pressing down against the gas pedal.

I find myself at the bar, time feels stagnant there. The familiar face of the bartender makes me feel content. I take a seat at the tall wooden bar stools, and run my fingers through my greasy, slate gray hair. "The usual." I say under my breath, the bartender places a glass infront of me. Seeing the reflection of myself in the tawny liquid, the clattering sound of the ice in the glass, the feeling of my elbows on the rough surface of the counter, it was all too familiar. Another glass, one more I thought. The swigging motion of the now burnt umber glass drowned my thoughts. The curse of reuniting with her puts a dagger through my heart. Albeit just thinking of her is aching enough. As I'm about to order another glass, my mind wanders to an idea. So instead of uttering the ever so fateful words of 'another one', I let a different sentence string itself out. "Phew... oh wow, I'm drunk." I mumble, this captures the bartender's attention easily, so I continue with my lying banter. "Hey, so what if I... I said I liked-liked you?" I could feel the bartender's practical disgust at my words despite my eyes not straying from the glass of old oak coloured liquid. "I- I just wanted to ask, so it's out in the open." I stammer, feeling a twinge guilt. The bartender was silent. The only sound present was my heavy breath. I finally look up from my glass, silently sliding the cash towards the bartender despite the futility, but I still can't help but dream. So I slide myself out of the wooden bar stool and leave.

If only her heart were to change. But that's not possible.Another night, another glass. The couple sat quietly together at the dinner table, I smiled softly, a fake, phony smile. She repeats those teasingly-kind words of 'I love you. My mind wanders once more, I'm sure nothing will change and we'll just laugh together and call each other stupid names, night after night. Day after day. What I gave up a long time ago, Why is it questioning me now? I'm just a coward. But as I gaze into her sweet olive eyes, the ones I never truly loved. I let the truth slip. I rose from my seat, taking her by the hands and finally my face turned serious, words, I let realization sink in as I utter, how could I explain? It was for the sake of true love, who wouldn't lie for that? I had been lying for years, with no end. I finally whispered the last words of 'I never loved you', words that were more like a knife to the heart rather than anything. I knew I was just a plain perpetrator for ending it off like that, my clean silver ring slipped off my finger. Despite the freedom it brought me, emptiness came along with it, I had just ended a relationship. I expected her to cry at my hurtful words, after all the truth had finally revealed itself. But she just stood there, shocked, almost disappointed. But this is what I deserve, I lied about myself. The room had an overall feel that was unbearable now, the silence between them was suffocating.

She walked up the stairs, I didn't know what to do so I followed, she didn't object so i kept going. As we walked into the bedroom, then to the balcony, an ominous feeling washed over me once more, and in that moment, I didn't know if it was an accident, or something done on purpose, she fell. I was too slow to even catch her or her expression. I sprinted back down the stairs, swinging the front door open, hastily passing by the car to see her. Her limp body was lying in a small pool of crimson on the concrete. I kneeled down and cradled her lifeless body, tears streaming down my horror stricken face. There was blood staining my clothes, but I couldn't care less about that. I was a murderer. It was all my fault.

Where had I gone wrong? Probably from the beginning