Summer and May

Chapter Sixty-Four: May

As I gripped the steering wheel, I wondered if I would be a hypocrite for turning right back around, pouring out my heart to him like my life depended on it. He may tell me that I didn't think enough about it, as I said to him not too long ago. Somehow, everything has changed since then. It was in the misery when we were apart. The hopelessness without him near. The way I carried grief for something that wasn't gone. The absolute heartbreak of walking away from him, when it was only him that I wanted.

That was a different me. The May that was picking at her breakfast this morning wasn't the same one that was driving laps around the lake, killing time before she goes back to tell the man she loves that she's no longer afraid. That she knows exactly what she wants, but she's never been able to admit it until right now. 

That felt like years ago, even though it was only six months ago. 

I can still remember every detail. It felt like everything was battling against me when I made my way back to him, only able to wait a half hour before my wheels were back in his drive. I hit every red light, I even ran through one. I had to stop four times to let people walk or bike across. A squirrel darted out in front of me just before I hit his street.

None of it mattered. The only thing I could think about was coming home to him. I was relieved to find his small cape cod home with an empty driveway, nestled quietly underneath an unforgettable sunset. The white house almost appeared pink and orange in this lighting. The flowers Sully had planted for his wife were still brilliant shades of pink, blue, and yellow. The air smelled like fresh cut grass and burgers on a hot grill.

Summer would be over soon, and I knew that for the rest of my life, with each summer that came around, I would think of this moment. The pounding of my heart as I slid out of my driver's seat, nearly slamming the door on my purse. I didn't even bother to lock it. I'll always recall the look on his face when he appeared through his front door, like he was expecting me to come. Or just hoping, maybe. I never got his answer on that. I'll always think about that, too.

I'll always think about how I ran to him, not knowing if he'd accept me or turn me away. I knew the latter was what I deserved; I had hurt him badly. I told myself I would swear to him that I'd never hurt him again. If I let the words leave my mouth, would he believe me? 

I'll always daydream about the way our bodies crashed into each other, as my feet hit the pavement and I glued my lips to his, and how it felt like coming up for air after a desperately long time under water. It felt dangerous and wild and unpredictable. 

I held him there, tired of analyzing everything. Tired of waiting.

"I know I'm a hypocrite for turning back so quick, Jere, but I don't need to think anymore. I don't want to." I grabbed his face like it was an anchor, doing everything in my power to kiss away the pain I had caused him. "Whatever life brings, I want it with you. I don't need time. I don't need a single thing besides you."

And more than anything; above the heat, the exhilaration, the breathless confessions, the tension in the air... the look in his eyes when I came back to him is what I'll remember most. They were soft and welcoming, after I watched him battle his skepticism. He had every right, but I vowed then and there that I would never make him feel like that again.

He took a while to respond. He simply held me there, tears filling his eyes, hands on my cheeks. Finally when he spoke, and only said my name, I felt the whole world stop. What he would say next would define everything.

"I believe you."

Those three words awakened every cell, every nerve inside of me. It brought breath back to my lungs, life back to parts of me that had been dead for far too long. He needed to know how sorry I was, and I decided I wouldn't waste a single second making sure of it.