TW: self harm
12:37 am
I did it.
I didn't want to. Not really. Not truly.
But I did it anyway.
Because it all got to be too much.
So much that I had to cut myself.
More than once.
Just now was the third time. Now I know I have to tell somebody.
So I pick up my phone.
Me: Aiden?
Just as I put my phone down, it buzzes.
Aiden: what's up?
Me: ik it's the middle of the night but can you come over?
Aiden: omw
I leave my bathroom to open my bedroom window so that Aiden can climb in when he arrives, then go back and stand in front of the mirror, staring at my tear-stained face while I think about what occurred just before I texted him.
After shifting back from the phantom dimension, I lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling. We almost died. We've come so close to dying so many times.
But this time, it was my fault.
I left the gate open.
I didn't mean to, but I forgot about it.
That's not an excuse, Tyler said.
You have to think, Tyler said.
Use what little brain you have, Tyler said Tyler said Tyler said.
It's always what Tyler said.
It's what he says that shatters my confidence, that now makes me feel the need to h*** myself.
I think about what he said for half an hour. An hour and a half of loneliness. An hour and a half of blame. An hour and a half of emotional pain that won't leave me alone. That won't let me not turn it into something physical. Something that feels more real.
I don't fight it this time. I don't even try not to.
I take my blade. Pull my loose sleeve over my elbow. Look at the scars left from the last time this happened: only two weeks ago.
Then I make new ones.
I hear the window close, then a voice loudly whispering, "Y/N?"
"In here," I cry out, cringing at the way my voice cracks.
I see his reflection in the mirror. He's not smiling. He looks worried. "Y/N," he whispers, "Are you okay?"
I turn away from the mirror to face him and turn my left arm so that he can see the fresh and still bleeding slashes.
His eyes widen when he looks down at the red mess, then looks back up at me. The sad soft gaze he gives me when he whispers my name again makes me drop my arm, look down, and release the pressure in my throat as fresh tears start falling.
And that's when he makes his move.
Aiden's POV:
I can't stand to see her like this. So lost. So defeated. So unlike her.
So I make a move.
I take three steps forward, closing the distance between us. Wrap my left arm around her waist and pull her into me. She wraps one arm around my neck, presses the bleeding one against my chest, grips my black shirt with that hand. Not caring that this will stain my shirt, I put my free hand through her hair, using it to keep her head against my shoulder gently but firmly. I lean back against the wall. She sobs into my shirt, the broken sounds squeezing my heart. "Breathe. It's okay. I've got you."
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I couldn't–"
"Shh, you don't need to tell me. For right now, just try to breathe. Come on, breathe with me."
We stay like this for a minute or two until she gets herself back under control, and when she is, still sniffling but functioning now, I pull my arms back to readjust before picking her up and setting her gently on the counter. "Let's get you cleaned up."
I wet a cloth and gently wipe away the blood from her arm. Her breaths sharpen each time the cold cloth makes contact with the wounds. "You're doing so good," I reassure her.
Although it has lessened by the time I'm done cleaning her up, some of the cuts are still bleeding so I find a bandage and wrap her arm.
"Thank you," she whispers.
I smile and nod in response. Take her hand. "Let's go sit on your bed, and we can talk, okay?"
She nods and slides off the counter. I lead her to her bed and sit back against the headboard. When she sits next to me, I put my left arm around her, rubbing her shoulder. "How long has this been going on?" I whisper.
"A couple months," she says to her hands in her lap.
"How many times?"
"This is the third time."
"When were the other two?"
"The first time was about two months ago. The second time was two weeks ago."
We sit in silence for a minute while I try to recall what happened at those times, and this time, that could have triggered this. "Is it because of what Tyler said?"
She squeezes her eyes shut and nods.
"Come here," I whisper.
She turns into me and starts to sob again. "Aiden-"
"Shh."
"I'm sorry-"
"Don't apologize."
"But-"
"Y/N. Breathe."
She does as I say. I run one hand through her hair, using the other to rub circles onto her back. "I'm so sorry. I know this is hard for you. I'm proud of you for telling me. But you can't keep doing this. You have to tell one of us whenever you feel like hurting yourself again, okay?"
She nods into my chest. "Okay."
"You know we have to tell the others about this, right?"
Hesitation. "...Even Tyler?"
"Especially Tyler. He needs to know that he can't blame you for everything. He, Taylor, Logan, Ben, and Ashlyn need to know about this too. It can't just be me. Okay?"
Another nod. "I need help."
"Don't worry. I've got you. We'll get through this together."
"Thank you, Aiden."
"Always, Y/N. Always."
We sit there in silence for a moment before I gently take her wrapped wrist and slowly place light kisses up her forearm. She relaxes into me as I continue this, and when I've covered the whole bandaged part, I cup her cheek and gaze into her eyes, making sure she's okay with this.
"There's a reason I texted you first," is the answer she gives me.
"There's a reason I showed up," I whisper before softly placing my lips against hers. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't think she does either, so we just kiss gently and slowly for a few seconds before pulling away. I readjust so that I'm now lying on the mattress and pull her down with me. "Get some sleep."
"What if my parents walk in and see us?"
"I'll wake you up when the sun rises. Okay?"
"Okay." She settles next to me and closes her eyes. "I love you, Aiden."
"I love you too."
She quickly falls asleep, but I stay awake, making sure she's okay.
