Internet friendship

who am i

I am literally the most pathetic person.
I don't care if my friends see this or whatever and if you are my friend and you see this please don't judge me bc a lot have people have lately and it kind of sucks. also if ur my friend NEVER bring this up.

anyway,
I seriously am. literally like an hour ago I was fucking watching Asian porn and now I'm crying over something that Mary said like 4 weeks ago. you know that thing where she said I was pretty much worthless. who even am I? who the fuck gets horny and then an hour later is crying over something this dumb? this is why I pretty much hate myself. I'm not trying to self pity or anything. don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful. I just dont like who I am.
oh yeah let's not mention in the biggest fucking hypocrite too. I recall myself telling Cameron that no one is ever worthless or ugly and everyone has a reason to be alive, but here I am contemplating that. and I so bad want to go to Cameron but first of all he would probably majorly judge me like every other breathing thing on this earth, tell me he cares, and then watch me fall. secondly he's probably cuddling with Cassie or asleep as always because I never have meant as much to him as he has to me. besides who tells their crush that they were watching Asian porn like loser much?
I mean I probably already earned the distant thing when he figured out that I used to like him. I am such a fucking loser. this is dumb. you know what? I have gotten only 2 hours of sleep in the past week or so, the reason all leads down to thinking of him. not because I have bad dreams or I'm on my phone. I'm on my phone to try and distract myself. the reason I'm on my phone all the time is to get away from these thoughts.

I just want them to go away.

I just wish i wasn't such a loser.