Starlight

Soul Crushing

She cries yet again at Jesse St. James leaving her again. He was right, she was selfish, arrogant, and self conceded. Her relationship with him was beautiful, unproblematic she thought. Yet she couldn't be any more wrong.

It's not her fault that Finn doesn't understand the word no. It's not her fault that she needed to feel approved by everyone. It was compulsory, the feeling of wanting to fit and belong. The comments and snide remarks hurt her, more than anyone thought. It caused her more distress and insecurities, ones she tried to burry deep within her soul. No one had to know that Rachel Berry had issues. Heck everyone had problems, she told herself: her's weren't a big deal. It's fixable.

She made a few mistakes while dating Jesse. One mistake was accepting Finn as her duet partner. Another was telling the females in the club that she had sex with Jesse. It was suppose to be a private sensitive matter, and yet her compulsive need to fit in made her blab it out. The worse was the Run Joey Run video.

She hasn't heard of him for days, last she knew was that Jesse and Quinn were doing duets together. That's good right? Well whatever Jesse does with his love life was his and his decision alone. But Quinn? She shook her head not wanting to think about this.

Love was too complicated for her. She just slipped up too many times. Maybe she needed time to heal first. Finn was already at her tail, trying to get her to be his girl again. She honestly felt like she was passed around the club.

Noah was sweet but prioritized popularity, Finn was too controlling and confused, and Jesse was too arrogant and hurtful.

She needs time to herself, she felt suffocated. Bile rosed up in her stomach and she made a bee line to the bathroom, throwing up all her stomach contents. Unfortunately for her, she kept throwing up until her stomach was clear. She absolutely hated to regurgitate, as she was a sober.

She leaned her head back against the stall, knees to her chest as she wiped the chemical waste with toilette paper and flushed the toilette. She took deep breaths calming her troubled heart. She sent a quick text to Mr. Schue about feeling sick and going home.

Schue was at most an understanding teacher. He read over Rachel's text and felt concerned. While he did prioritize glee despite everything else. (Ex: he let Jesse stay because it will help the New Directions win regionals) He also was a human being. He texted "okay, but have your duets by Friday, and don't forget your Spanish homework."

She felt relieved, grabbed her backpack and slipped away from the school. Not wanting to see Finn, or the St. Fabray couple. She just wanted to be alone, away from everyone.

"Do you think she's skipping because of the breakup" Kurt asked Mercedes.

"She ain't skip when Finn or Puck broke up with her." Mercedes responded.

Santana rolled her eyes, "that's like the little dramatic Berry. Makes it all about herself."

Jesse and Quinn were close. She leaned on him while he had an arm around her waist. Finn eyed the couple with jealousy. He was too confused. He wanted two girls at the same time and yet he wanted popularity more than anything. It was either star of glee club, Rachel or the head cheerleader Quinn.

Of course since none had a genuine interest in Rachel, the club continued with their weekly assignments. All but Noah himself felt it off that there wasn't a short brunette critiquing the off pitch's of the performers.

She arrived home, running to room. Feeling sluggish and tired she changed into pajamas and lays down on her small twin bed. Not even bothering to turn the lights off.

The next morning she wakes up groggily, not understanding why she was so moody lately. She made an organic smoothie with strawberries, bananas, almond milk and honey. She didn't feel like eating a solid meal. Luckily she lived within walking distance of the school.