Out of the dark and into your light

Chapter 8: shutting down

"Riley what's wrong" Leah asks again taking a step closer to my bed her face twisted with a mix of worry and concern.

I manage a weak "fuck off" my voice slightly breaking and my usual stone cold unbothered attitude breaking.

"Riley please don't shut me out I just want to help you" Leah begs her concern evident as her hand comes up to reach my shoulder.

"I don't need or want your help so just fuck off" I shout gaining the strength to turn and face her my expression cold and broken.

I watch as she takes a step back hurt from my words "I care about you Riley so please don't deal with all these emotions you have alone I can see your struggling no matter how hard you try to hide it I can see it so please don't shut me out let me in I won't hurt you" she pleads her eyes shining with a hint of determination.

"I don't want your help" I repeat my patience wearing thin. I watch as her shoulders slump in defeat and she walks to door letting out a heavy sigh as she walks out.

I rest my head back on the pillow letting out a shaky breath. Her words replaying in my head she can't care about me how could she I'm a terrible person. As much as I want to accept her help I can't the thought of trusting and telling her about my past and my brothers death scares me to death I can't bring myself to accept her help I don't deserve it. The weight off my past presses down on me making me feel paralysed. How can I explain to her what I did how I destroyed my family.

I lie there for hours not moving an inch staring blankly at the wall feeling numb and broken the rejection from my parents pushing me to my breaking point leaving me with no more strength to fight and keep up this unbothered stone cold attitude any more.

I close my eyes hoping sleep will drown out my thoughts and guilt I lie there twisting and turning trying to find sleep until eventually it comes.

As i drifted into sleep my mind plunges into a familiar whirlpool of twisted thoughts and haunting memories. I was stood there again on that ledge my brother hanging from the edge screaming for my help. "JOSH JOSH" I scream trying to run to him but I was trapped not being able to move. "You did this Riley this was all your fault" he says before falling. "NO NO JOSH IM SORRY" I cry trying to run to him again but still being trapped. My parents words plague me "I'll never be proud of you Riley I hate you for what you did you killed are son your own brother" my dad says his hurt and resent towards me evident.

"Hey hey wake up Riley wake up" Leah shouts shaking me I jot bolt up right the familiar feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest and finding myself drenched in sweat I turn to face her my fear evident my heart beating a hundred miles an hour.

"It's ok it was just a bad dream just breath for me ok in through the nose out through the mouth" Leah says her own fear shining through as she demonstrates how to breath.

I try to focus on my breathing but my fear and panic rises. She has seen my nightmare how can I explain that i can't how could I have been so stupid to fall asleep I knew this would happen but I still did it. I feel like I'm about to die I need to get out of here.

I throw the duvet cover off me and grab my coat and shoes and rush out the room. "Hey no no you can't go not like this don't go Riley" Leah shouts running after me trying to grab my hand in a last ditch attempt for me to stay.

I can't hear her my thoughts consuming me and the pounding in my chest getting louder I just need to get out of here.

"Riley stop please just stop" Leah shouts again following me down the stairs. I ignore her cries  for me to stay and run out the house I get straight into my car taking one last look at Leah as I reverse off the drive tears falling down her face panic and concern in her eyes.

I drive to the only place I know that will silence these thoughts and stop the pounding in my chest the bar. I pull up and get out my car rushing inside ordering shots and the strongest drink they have.

"Tough day" the bartender asks sliding my drinks over to me as he leans on the counter waiting for my response.

I down a couple shots before responding "something like that just make sure the drinks keep coming" I reply my thoughts and pounding in my chest slowly beginning to subtle now that I have some alcohol in my system.

The bartender sends me an understanding nod before going to serve someone else's keeping a watchful eye on me topping my glass up when it's needed.

I sit there for hours in the same spot on the stall next to the bar downing my drinks till my thoughts no longer consume me and the pounding in my chest stops and I'm felt feeling the familiar buzz.

"Do you need me to call someone to come pick you up your pretty wasted" the bartender asked an amused smirk playing at his lips letting out a slight chuckle at my state.

"No I don't have anyone to pick me up" I say my words slurred as I down another shot.

"Can I at least call you an Uber I don't want you walking home it's very late" he asks

"Um ye an Uber will do here's my phone" I say passing it to him.

He looks at my phone and then back to me "you've had quite a lot of missed calls from a Leah 20 to be exact" he says looking up at me a hint of curiosity in his tone.

I shrug at his words Leah is a problem I will have to deal with tomorrow I could just act like tonight never happened to avoid the whole nightmare conversation I know she's going to push out of me at some point.

The bartender walks into the corner to order me an Uber keeping a watchful eye to make sure I'm still sat in the chair. He comes back shortly after and hands me my phone back I rest my head on the counter as I wait.

"Should be here in a few minutes whatever you do don't be sick please I can't deal with cleaning up sick" he says tapping me on the head to make sure I haven't fell asleep.

I let out a low grunt acknowledging his words as I wait for the Uber to arrive. A few minutes pass by but it felt like hours I hear someone walk through the doors of the bar.

"Riley oh for fuck sake" Leah says rushing over and helping me sit upright on the chair. "What have you done" she sighs.

I lift my head up and send a death stare to the bartender. "She's not an Uber why call her mr barman that's so out of order" I whine at him. He shakes his head in amusement helping Leah get me out the bar.

"Now I wish I did be sick in the bar now I can't believe you mr barman this is the biggest betrayal I've ever had" I state.

"Riley for god sake stop being so rude and get your ass in the car" Leah says sending the barman and apologetic look as she helps me into the passenger seat.

"Bye bye Riley" the barman says waving goodbye and amused smirk playing at his lips.

"Fuck you mr barman" I respond with a middle finger as Leah drives off.

"We need to have a conversation about all of this you can't just run out on me like that and go to a bar to drown out your problems it's not healthy  I've been worried sick Riley" she says trying to keep calm her concern and annoyance about the situation evident.

I just huff in response as she starts to drive home knowing full well I am not talking about this situation to her it's none of her business it's my problems and I'll deal with them on my own and how I want to.