Hollywood Princess

Chapter 9: A Princess in Mourning

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The week went by in a flash, with a weird duality of things moving in slow motion while time around us sped by. I was very happy that I hadn't had another accident in my sleep all week, Yuki was right, it must have been a one-time thing. Finally, it was Saturday, the day of the funeral and visitation.

The visitation was held at Angel's Point Park not far from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels, where the ceremony would be held. I kept it together for most of the visitation, thanking people for coming and thanking them for their condolences. Once the last of the mourners began to head for the door, I finally allowed myself to walk up to my Father's coffin, to see him one last time.

They had done great work, if you didn't know any better, you would think he was sleeping. Seeing him lying there, cold and lifeless, is when everything crashed down on me. I would never see him again, never hear his laugh, never see his smile, my Daddy was gone. I broke down right there in front of the coffin, sobbing uncontrollably. My Mother and Yuki attempted to comfort me, but all I could do was cry, sobbing Daddy don't go, over and over. My mother held me close and rubbed circles on my back, rocking with me back and forth. Eventually, I was able to calm down enough to get back to my feet and move out of the car. I intentionally made sure not to look back at the coffin, because I was afraid I would break down again if I did.

We were taken to the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels where the service was to be held. I sat quietly in the front row, staring into space. My Mother's makeup artist had quickly redone my makeup to hide blemishes from my breakdown. It was a beautiful ceremony, with lots of kind words and stories about my Dad. I did what was expected of me and Eulogized my Father, putting on my figurative actor's hat to will myself to keep it together. I successfully kept my composure and read the Eulogy that I had prepared with the help of my Mother's publicist.

With my Eulogy complete, it was my Mother's turn. She gave a beautiful Eulogy, also co-written by her publicist, but at the end to everyone's surprise she announced that she was taking an indefinite leave from acting. She told the gathered crowd of Friends, Family, Staff, and Reporters, that her husband's death had given her perspective on how precious life was and how short the time we have together is. She wanted to spend time with her daughter, quality time, not time interrupted by casting agents, or directors calling her. She didn't have the will to act anymore, but she hoped to one day find it again.

The reception was long, but the food was fantastic, with Gordon Ramsey himself cooking for the event. I went through the reception in a haze, my thoughts on my Father, but also my Mother's decision. It made me happy, we had more than enough money, so she didn't "need" to work. I was looking forward to getting to spend more time with her. Finally, the reception ended and we were able to go back home. I was exhausted from the day, but I didn't go to sleep right away. Instead, my Mother, Yuki, and I watched old home movies of my Father, the ones that I had "directed." I hadn't seen them in a long time, and it was good to laugh.

As I lay in bed that night, I couldn't help but think about my Father. I decided to look at tributes to him on my phone so that I could have good dreams of him while I slept. Most of the articles I found were kind tributes and talked about his career, but I unfortunately clicked on TMZ. The site opened bombarding me with images of myself breaking down during the visitation and an article link that promised exclusive information about my Father's accident. I don't know why, but I clicked on it. What I saw horrified me, contained within the articles were photos from the set of my father being shot, and then lying in a pool of his blood. I immediately closed the window and turned off my phone's screen, setting it on the nightstand.

I couldn't get those images out of my head, the look of surprise on his face, the pure confusion over what was happening to him. It kept running in a loop inside my head till eventually exhaustion pulled me down into sleep.

That night I had a dream about my Dad. In my dream, I was a little girl again, "directing" my Daddy in one of our movies. In the dream I was playing the bad guy, pointing a toy gun at him. Aiming I squeezed what I believed to be the toy's trigger, but instead of a click, there was a loud bang as a bullet hit my father in the chest. I just stood and stared for a moment, as he lay on his back on the grass, blood pooling underneath him.

As he lay there and shut his eyes, I ran over and kneeled beside him, screaming Daddy wake up, it was just pretend, Daddy, wake up! As I kneeled there crying, the sprinklers sprung to life around us, drenching me in water. Now I was soaked and crying for my Daddy. I woke up the next morning, with no memory of this dream. What I did remember was the previous feeling of waking up in a wet bed, it was easy to remember, as I was feeling it yet again. I lifted my covers and stared in horror at the wet sheets beneath me. All I could do was start to cry.