Of Course I Did

Dear Gon, 

I did not think I would ever hear from you again. 

In all honesty, I was kind of hoping you had forgotten about me. It hurts too much to know that you still think about us, because I do too. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. 

I see your face when I close my eyes, I hear you laugh when the wind blows, I feel you next to me when the sun shines. It is torture. I remember everything about you.

I remember everything about that night, too. Your words fill my dreams and I wake up screaming. I cannot make them stop. 

I know you did not mean to hurt me. You were my best friend, for Christ's sake, of course I did. 

There was not a single moment in the days after where I looked at you and thought, "He meant what he said." 

That does not change the fact that you said those things, though.

Your words did not hurt me because I thought you meant them, they hurt because that is what I had been thinking about myself the entire time. 

I was self-destructive, immature, and jealous. I didn't want you to have friends that weren't me. I constantly put myself in harmful situations even though I knew you hated it. 

That night, all I could do was cry. I knew I had failed you as a friend. I should've tried harder to stop you from going back for Kite. But I just couldn't stand to be the one to tell you that he wasn't coming back. 

It was selfish.

I'll admit that I had mentally checked out by the time you woke up. I just couldn't do it again. 

It hurt so much to see you like that, to see you so close to death and not be able to help. It took years off of my life to see you wither away in front of me. You were going through something so terrible, something I'm sure even the strongest of men wouldn't have been able to handle. And once again, all I could do was cry.

I still think about you and the way things ended, and some nights I still cry about it. It took all of me to see you like that. 

I'm not sure I will ever recover.

Of course I loved you. Of course I did. 

But you were leaving and there was nothing I could've said to stop you. You were leaving and I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. 

You left, and I spent all of my time wishing you hadn't, wishing I had said something to make you want to stay.

And obviously I missed you, how could I not? I missed you so much I couldn't bear to only hear from you on the phone or through letters. It was not enough for me. 

I had to stop, I was going crazy. 

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. That wasn't your fault. I was being selfish again, and again I hurt you.

I read your letter, more than a few times. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. For the longest time I wasn't sure what to say. It was entirely my fault we stopped talking, and I thought you would be upset with me. 

I really am sorry for not texting you back all those years ago. 

I think I just needed some time.