poems of distress

Afraid If It'll Ever Be The Same

Words are pretty, they changed nothingness into friendship.
They are sublime for they made it the best one.
But words are terrifying
because they changed friendship into love,
Words are the worst for how they made me confused.

Just how things changed in just the span of two days, my lord,
Where was I, never spoke a thing like that,
now being possessive and jealous?
Am I really though?
Or are these feelings pretentious?

Will it become something beautiful?
Or worse?
Will it never get back to how it was?
Will we make restrictions for speaking now?
Will we be the one whom we'll be scared and controlled spoken so much for?
Will the honesty and jokes die?
Wouldn't it suffocate us?

I'm afraid I'll lose us,
the 'us' who were always giggly and didn't think much before spitting words out.
I'm afraid I'll make it different.
I can see how things are changing between us
I hate that I have to consider my words and their impact before speaking now.

The effortlessly frank friendship now seems like a job to me.
It's stressing me out.
I'm afraid my feelings are not true, not pure
I'm afraid I'll leave him
I'm afraid I'll ruin my career if I stay in this turmoil
I'm afraid of the future
And the future me

Would I hurt him and make him cautious?
(I did, I will, I know)
Will he change?
(He may, may not)
Will I become something so bad?
(I think I already am....)
Will it become like poison?
(Feels like it)
Will we never be the same?
(Never, you know it)

But what we had was splendid and serene.
Something that I'll behold within my heart till the day that I see the last sunrise.
The care and the love I felt,
the importance I felt,
the loving gaze and compliments that I got.

I'll always be grateful and cherish these memories.
I can never forget
"Never forget him."
At least that's the command of my heart to myself
and I'm willing to follow the lord high majesty.