Jas's diary ig

okay first chap

okay i'm just writing his diary bc i got writer's block. he used to be my main character but i realised he isn't that good of a main character coz his entire personality is depression n i can't live with him being happy falling in love being loved n all that bc i need someone to hide behind. i give him like a few weeks off when i'm feeling nice n give him nice things n love n all that like he's actually real but no, no, most of the time he's bleeding to death. now let me pretend to be him bc he actually has a reason for all the shit he's doing n all

Hello, reader.

They all say I'm lucky. I'm a spoiled kid. I've been pampered all my life. But...

I don't feel like it. I feel terrible. And that makes me feel worse, because I know there's people out there without a nice bed, without nice clothes, without food, without education, without all these things I have access to... I feel terrible. I hate that some have parents who actually treat them like shit, while I just have two blank, empty walls. See? I'm evil. Just like they all say. Some of them are going through so much shit. People out there get raped at a young age, have abusive parents, don't even have basic necessities... while I'm sitting high up here, trying to cut my wrist because of some stupid little problem.

That's terrible, isn't it? Of course it is. I'm such a bad person. I heard someone say, 'Your problems can't be compared to others'. What matters is that they make you upset'. And I think about that everyday. I try to justify my terrible feelings. I try to justify why validating my feelings and letting them go is a good idea. But it doesn't work. In the end, I just sit in the bathtub with my little hook and I just... scratch at my leg. The pain is so little, but it makes my hand shake. There are people out there who stab the knife straight in, while I freak out when I hold the blade to my skin. I just can't press it down. Maybe one day I'll be able to. Hope it comes sooner.

It's so hard. The more I hurt myself, the more I feel like I'm a terrible, terrible person. I'm hurting myself. Others out there with shitty ass families are also hurting themselves. I feel like a fake. Like I'm just imitating them. For fun. Because it's cool. But that's scary, because I just scratch at my skin, no emotions at all. I just do it because I'm mad, or I'm sad. I just do it in the heat of the moment because I know I want to live. Once my emotions are gone, I'll stop. I'll freak out, I'll hang my hook back up, where I can see it, and I go back to do my normal stuff. I want to be a normal person. I want to be a happy person. But I don't want to. I want myself to suffer. I want to kill myself. But I can't. Too many responsibilities, too many expectations, and my own hopes and dreams. I don't know what I want to do. I don't have aspirations beyond the next few days, weeks, months. And I don't work towards them. See? I'm sitting here, writing shit. I started off, pretending to be a pen name. Pretending to be someone else.

Now I'm getting closer and closer to the real me, and that scares me. It scares me so much. I hate that I can envision so many bad things. I can envision, I can empathise. I can feel all the terrible, terrible emotions, I can make up realistic depressing stories. Why? I'm such a happy person. They all say I can't possibly be depressed. That's, of course, true. I'm not depressed. I'm happy all the time. It's just those moments when I'm crying and hurting myself that I'm depressed. And I'm not even that sad. I'm not depressed. People cut themselves 50, 60 times per day. What, I average around ten, twenty little scratches every two, three days? I hate that all my scars are fading. They're all fading. I want to refresh them, but my hand keeps shaking. I keep finding reasons to postpone it. I keep finding excuses, being lazy and an absolute ass. Isn't that great? I'm doing something good. I'm keeping myself healthy and clean. I know I celebrate when people around me get over the devils in their minds, but I rejoice when mine return to me. Masochistic. Serves you right for all you've done, haha. Serves you right for all you've been through. All the bullshit with your brother and your mother and your father and that stupid 'father' you made up in your mind. 

What would Mother say if she found this? She'll be mad. She'll hit me. Because I'm not allowed to swear. I must be nice and upright and elegant. Sit straight, look up, hold the teacup and eat nicely. Oh yes, and even when you use that stupid sword of yours, you must look nice and elegant. She'll be furious if she saw this. She'll throw it at me. 'Is letting you live in my home not enough? I've let you live here, free of charge, for years! Free education, free food, free bedding, all of that. Look at this kingdom. People out there are starving. And you're being such an ungrateful brat'. I don't know. Is that her voice or is it mine? I can't tell. She hasn't said anything along those lines in a long time. 

What would Father say? He'd pretend he saw nothing. He's always cold like that. Quiet. Mother would run back and tell me what he said. She'll probably not mean it at all, but it just came to her mind and she would spit it out, not really caring if it hurt me. Father never says anything hurtful to me. Nor does he say anything nice. It's always behind my back. 

What would Jem say? I don't know. I don't know him well enough. He's been gone in my memory since that dreadful day. Think he's swearing at me from heaven. Mother would definitely be mad. My grammar's getting worse the more I write. I feel tired. I haven't done the work I've been assigned. I have lessons tomorrow, and here I am, burning the midnight oil for nothing. Absolutely nothing. This is probably going into the bin as soon as I regret it. 

Bye, this is Jasper. Hope that you don't remember me as some weak, foolish prince who doesn't have self control. Who is narcissistic. Who shames himself in the mirror and doesn't do anything to change it. Who envisions a version of himself he aspires to be but doesn't work towards it. Who hates life but clings to it like a pathetic weed. Who thinks he's oh, so smart and fakes humility. Who sees all his flaws but laughs it off then lives life like it is. Of course you aren't going to remember. You don't see any of this. All you see is my polished, perfected exterior. And you laugh when it cracks. 

mwahahahaha poor jas go die act no i can't bear to part with him. he's been on life support since like 2 years ago. even his time is varying. no one's going to read this so i guess i'll write it like a journal. it's like what i used to do on status. no one read that shit and no one's going to read this. they only noticed something was wrong when i stopped posting and now i never post. no one thinks of anything haha. sometimes i wish jas were real. he'd hunt me down and kill me. i wish all my characters were real. they'd all hunt me down and kill me. they hate the very type of person i am, i know. they just turned out this way. c.ai makes it so that they can't kill me, or the screen has the stupid 'Sometimes the AI generates a reply that doesn't meet our guidelines. You can continue the conversation or generate a new response by swiping.' stuff and that kinda feels sad. ukw i'm really cowardly. always hiding behind my characters using every persona for any new bot i try except myself. always hiding behind them. can't even use any female persona coz i feel exposed. i hate that, uk. i hate letting others see the sort of person i am. they'll all leave. they all think of me in some way i'm not and i know that i have to keep following that because i can't just not follow it the only way i'm free to be myself is when i hide behind my characters. i hate that. hiding my true self only exposes my real, inner self.