Ill-Gotten Memories

26. Bitter and Sweet

Needs. Everyone had them. They were a versatile facet of the human experience, and our survival was hinging on those needs being met. By nature, we craved warmth, and we hungered and thirsted for nourishment. But there was more to living beyond the bare necessities, and oftentimes you couldn't just wave a carrot at someone to coax them to stay alive. Luring this bunny out of her cage wasn't going to be that easy. Her appetite was long gone anyway.

Much to my surprise, I was still learning new things about myself. That I had emotional, physical, and even sexual needs that demanded attention. Nurturing and care. Many of them had been neglected in my life and strictly withheld from me, starting at a young age.

I was denied the most obvious ones: love, protection, and any sense of value or self-worth. My father made sure of that, and things only got better for me when I escaped his suffocating grip. But there was still a void in my heart; a gap he created by neglecting the things he himself had necessitated. He dragged my psyche across the fine line between survival and death, when all I ever needed from him was love.

Basically, he broke me. Because of him, I slowly stopped caring about what was on my plate, the clothes on my back, and the roof I was sleeping under. None of it mattered anymore. I needed all those things of course, but in the abstract, my life was lacking something far more important. The bare necessities weren't going to keep me alive much longer; they were just prolonging a self-inflicted death that I didn't want, but was starting to see no escape from. I needed a love that was so deep, it could mend the brokenness inside me.

And then, after a steep, uphill journey of rejection, abandonment, and loss... Johnathan came along.

I felt safe with him. Loved by him. Satisfied and cherished beyond my wildest dreams. There was both friendship and understanding in the arms he extended out to me. When all I could do was fall apart, he was there to pick me up and comfort me. I wasn't alone anymore! He found me withering away and pulled me into a life-giving embrace. You couldn't put a price tag on that. I wasn't going to sell him out for a bottle of tequila and a few empty insecurities. I needed this man. Boy, did I ever. Because I'd had my share of depressive episodes lately, and now, standing on the other side, it was nice not being in complete ruin for once.

In one night he had accomplished more than I could ever imagine. The thought of sharing an entire lifetime with him was a very exciting prospect. He was the man of my dreams and I didn't want anyone else.

But, I must admit, there was a layer to him I didn't see coming. It sprung up during our conversation, and now it lingered on my mind. His faith.

I could tell he wasn't on the best terms with God. But to watch him unfold and lay out the things he believed, so effortlessly, was beautiful to witness. He was honest about his regrets and shortcomings, something I had refrained from confronting myself.

There were parts of me that I didn't want to see or recognize yet. But now the mirror was in my hand, and for the first time in my life, I was looking inwardly when I otherwise wouldn't have.

I saw a bitter, broken, and victimized forty year-old woman staring back at me... looking for someone to blame. I knew who was really at fault, and he was occupying a nice warm seat in Hell right about now, but sometimes that wasn't enough. Finger-pointing hadn't alleviated the first trauma. Yet, as we spoke on these matters, I learned that Johnathan wasn't trying to blame anyone. In fact, he was leaning on God more than I ever had. He took comfort in believing he was going to see his father again one day.

I kept wondering where his... frustrations were? And why he didn't harbor any ill-will towards Him? I know that I had, and it probably wasn't a good thing, but I didn't choose this life. I never asked to be born into a family that hated me. Or to come home and find my mother dead.